Back again..

Hello blog, Yes feeling rather upset about the past week I went out and did what I told myself I wouldn't do - purge all my entries. I thought purging my journal would purge my thoughts but of course I knew better. I am feeling so much pain and pressure to be not who I want to be and am going to explode. Yet I cannot seem to find my voice ever, and I am hating myself more than ever before in my life. I think it is all crumbling around me and I guess I am being that passive martyr personality that my therapist says. I will never try to hurt myself again, but I am seriously considering just getting in my car and driving to a place far away. My life hurts so badly and instead of having more people to talk to I feel alone like never before. My wife hated Barb and the thoughts I had so I had to leave her to avoid more fights. I truly did not want to do that and now have to go find some "male" therapist to get a male viewpoint on my issues. I'm trying to give him a fair shot but not thinking I will be able to adapt to whoever else tells me I am just a product of bad childhood nuturing and low self-esteem. And I am not depressed. Her and her parents can take their chemical dependency for mood stabilization and just shove it. If anything, I want estrogen supplements more than anti-depressants but that is probably as likely as the moon is made out of cheese. I have to run, but I will start adding back to my blog as this time really helps me cope. Later - Hugs back ~ Jaclyn