Going crazier...

Hello blog, I have so many thoughts clouding my mind these days and things don't seem to be getting any clearer. I want and I love my family, and I want and I love Jaclyn and these two things have seemed to come a divergent path. I really don't know who I am, in appearance I am just a muddling, weak male that feels so powerless to do anything for myself. I keep replaying my last session with Barb and my wife and it seems all too familiar to me. Flash back to the beginning of my senior year of high school, when I had the requisite guidance counselor appointment with my parents that was supposed to determine my career path. During those times where I tried to disengage from society which I didn't fit in I spent a long time that summer before reading and writing short stories and poems. I filled up most of a spiral notebook with all my writings that summer and while they were not probably too good of stories, I remember the happiness I would get when I completed a story or poem. So I brought this notebook with me to the guidance counselor meeting, not really sure why, and I remember thinking that I was going to tell them I wanted to be a creative writer. Of course that didn't happen. What happened instead was I sat there quietly, while the counselor and my parents concluded together that going to college and finding a career in math was the correct thing to do. Of course the SAT said that here was a boy that got an almost perfect score in the math section and was below average in English so it made no sense to not pursue anything in math. I still remember the counselor chuckling and looking at me and telling me I had no hope in anything but math. I of course followed orders and tossed out my notebook. I hated that man so much and my parents for thinking that he was right, I hated having some stupid test tell me what to do as I hated society for telling me what to be, most of all I hated myself for being weak and powerless to actually do something besides follow orders and hate them. I still feel this hate and I am still not able to stand up for myself. I'm hurting so much inside and hate myself even more for sitting there last Thursday without speaking. I want to be loved and I want my family and I hate myself all at the same time and don't ever see me able to change. Maybe I do need those anti-depressants my wife wants me to go and beg the doctor for tomorrow. Maybe I need the new "Man" therapist that she wants me to see to determine my "Man" issues. I feel like all of this is another repetition of my dad telling me to be a man and that real men don't cry, just that I am hurting my innocent beautiful daughter because of being so wrong. I don't know how much longer I can continue this and I don't know where I can go to hide anymore. I had a dream last night that my parents were dying and I came to see them and my daughter laid down in between them as they took some of their last labored breaths. I didn't see my appearance but in my dream I knew I was a woman. I wonder if that dream is my guilt and shame of trying to be me, and I hurt thinking of this. I would extinguish this pain since this existence seems worse than before, but that would hurt others. My birthday is coming up and I can't stop thinking about how much a mistake I am. I need to now and cry in private somewhere. I have never felt this much alone before.