Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I'm jonesing really bad. I have now gone like almost a week without dressing fully and I feel that need so bad inside. I have promised to not do anything but I have still snuck around and tried on a few things and drove to work with my wig and bra under my one somewhat androgynis shirt one day. Yesterday over lunch I returned to the local thrift store and picked out several pairs of women's jeans and then went into the dressing room and tried them on. That was such a relief to me and I ended up leaving with a new pair of jeans and long-sleeved blouse. I know that this goes against everything I promised to my wife but then I decided it was a birthday present. I'd love to find a nice necklace and bracelet to accent my wear but I'm trying to hold off. This morning I'm going to the doctor to lie to him about being depressed to get anti-depressants so that will satisfy my wife. I don't feel depressed at all but my feelings don't really matter. Honestly what I really want to do is to get out all my clothes and go all Jaclyn, I was looking at ads for mascara and this made me want to work on my eyes and lashes. I'm trying not to think about being female, but I still see her in the mirror and even thought of considering to try and get estrogen over the net. This evening I have my appt with my new 'man' therapist and really I am dreading meeting with him as well. A really big part of me wants to just go into his office today and tell him that I don't want to be a man and want him to start me transitioning to what is right. But then, I don't think he is very familiar with transgender clients and I am going to get some other bs response from him. I'm trying not to dislike someone I haven't met, but it is hard for me based on what he represents. The more I go without, the more desperate I feel I am becoming. It is even worse it now feels like I am trapped back in the closet again, but this time have my wife and her family waiting guard outside the door ready to pounce on me if I try to escape. I hate that I have a penis so badly that last night I went downstairs and punched myself in the groin repeatedly until I doubled over on the floor. That didn't help either, I hate this existence and I am dreading so much this coming weekend with her parents. How could I have been so wrong about her being open and accepting of me? Why can't I be happy with anything in life? How long can I manage like this? I lived like this for so long before I really knew myself and now have so much trouble forgetting myself. I've decided the west coast is the place to go if I decide I need to run away - LA or San Francisco I think I can find more accepting people there. I just don't know what I'll do and I feel so lost unlike ever before. And I'll probably do nothing, and hate myself for it. My life is such a sham. I'm crying now realizing that and really wishing I would have been more successful in ending it so many years ago. That option I am going to keep on the table since that would finally end the pain I feel. I don't want to do that or even consider it, but after I woke up from dreaming I was a free woman walking down the street last night I kept thinking about it sine I know that will only ever be a dream. I am going to keep praying for a miracle that will never come.
Posted by Jacqueline at 6:40 AM