independence day?

Hello blog,

Today is not being a good day, I'm am having very strong urges just to run away and go all Jaclyn and finding it seemingly very difficult staying in male form.  This is not my idea of independence day whatsoever but to keep it together I must.  Last week I ran off for a few brief moments and got to dress up and it was such a relief, even sneaking on a pair of panties feels like I can breathe easier. I am so screwed up.

I think today we will be celebrating my past birthday with my entire wife's family.  I feel like I will have to be on display and draw all my resources to act happy.  I am typing and crying now here alone for a few moments worried that I won't be able to pull this off.

I called Howard Brown twice and have gotten very close to setting up an appointment with them.  I don't get to see my worthless male doc until the 20th so I would like to talk to someone before doing that.  I keep thinking how much better my life would have been if I was born a girl and had a dream last night that I had transitioned and was meeting with my wife.  She was so sad at the sight of me.  I hate having all of these thoughts in my head and hate trying to fake my way through life.  I am having so much more trouble at that these days and feeling more desperate.

I have to run along and hope that playing with my daughter will bring some peace to the storm that feels like is raging inside me.  I hate my life so bad and don't know where to turn.  Why can't I be happy with all the good around me.

Happy 4th,
Jaclyn