Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Hello Blog,

It has been a long summer since I last wrote and now the weather is turning cooler as Fall is in full swing.  The inner turmoil for me continues to swirl and I feel desperate, alone and end up crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell my life is all about still.

I tried to give my "male" therapist a shot but frankly I felt no connection to him and it seemed like all our talks contiued to revolve around suicide so I stopped seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to try a new female therapist and I am scared once again about seeing here.

Physically, I went through a cycle where I lost weight but lately seem to be gaining it back and still hate my body so much.  My hair sucks, my face sucks, my skin, my fat, etc. etc. - it all sucks.  Deep inside I still wish so much I was born female or could magically change but I know that won't happen and can't admit it ever again.

I've spent the time trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife and family in order to keep things together.  I did manage a fun outing with my girlfriend into the city and we even did some Michigan avenue shopping and that was so much fun. I know most people could tell that I was in drag but it was a hoot being out there and not caring.  But that was the last outing for Jacyln.

The biggest arguement came near the end of summer with my wife when trying to convinve her weeks of therapy was working she came out and confronted the fact that I still had all of Jaclyn's clothes.  So I did the big purge once again, and I have been so depressed since that time knowing how many small victories it took to amass it all and then in one fell swoop to lose it.

I have really been having urges to go back to buying clothes once again, and have been having dreams where my penis disappears. I hate myself and know I need to stop this but it is so damn hard. I stopped writing and thinking that maybe I need to restart again to help ease the tension, but who knows what the hell I am doing.  Lately I have been going to tall places and staring down and wondering if I should just give it all up or what I should do.  I really wanted to reach out to Barb to talk to her but I know how much my wife hates her so I haven't.  I wish I knew just what to do...

Ciao,
Jacyln










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