When today I got the chance to have some me time and it felt, well great. I have regretted my latest purge as I am missing Jaclyn and the feelings of connecting to my inner feminine self. I know that it sounds canned that dressing can make one feel more softer and in touch with their soul but for me that is exactly the case.
Anyways, I broke down the other day and bought a new wig. More a natural brown than auburn (I do wish it had some auburn highlights) but I am going with a medium length look for now. I kept all my makeup so from the head up I got a few minutes to feel like myself for awhile.
I can't talk about this with my wife and I feel a bit of guilt after the fact by omission here. I constantly feel torn between being me and feeling good and not being an embarassment to her or disappointing her in anyway. I know my therapist tells me to not and try and control how she feels but I know she would kick me to the curb in no time if she came home and saw me en femme.
Funny thing is that today is Halloween and I would so so so love to be able and dress and walk around. Not in anything outlandish mind you but I find that its is acceptable on a day like today for 'normal' people to appear different than expectations but it is still nowhere close to acceptable for someone to present differently on most days than what is expected. I hate this societal definitions based on what's swinging (or not) between one's legs, and if I could I would find some way to alter that as well.
Oh well, at least I had a few moments for me and that has helped me through today. Happy Halloween.