Self worth

Hello blog,

I'm here to turn the calendar another day and at least I guess that is something.  Somedays this achievement is a bit harder and lately its been more of a struggle.

Yesterday I had another session with Paula and shared with her my coming out letter.  I was going to read it but it was too painful for me so luckily she didn't press me to do that. We spent most of the hour discussing self worth and my complete lack of it. I know I hear her trying to convince me that I have some, but I still have trouble believing it.  Which was funny that I spent the minutes waiting outside right before our session working on a poem describing how I felt worthless.  I don't know if I really can or want to get better, but last night lying awake I couldn't think about anything other than my deficiencies once again.  She also mentioned for me to try a psychitriest for some stronger meds and I am scared and dread thinking about that.  I am feeling low and helpless right now and hate this feeling of inabiliity to do anyhing about it.

I could use a hug,
Jaclyn

Self Worth
I find myself on the roof but don't want to jump,
I find myself hiding down but don't want to stand up,
I find myself alone againg but want someone to talk to,
Everything is so messed up.

I try so hard but always fail in the end,
I don't know why I care to try and understand,
I cry helplessly but I'm afraid to ever change,
I am such a pathetic worthless soul.

I wish I could love like everyone else,
I wish I could be happy and that be enough,
I wish and I dream and in the end do nothing,
No wonder that I'm a total waste of space.

Should I finally take that leap and let it all go,
Should I close my eyes and accept it fading away so,
Should I find mercy and peace at the inevitable end,
Even at this I fail at again and again.