Somewhere in between

Finally it appears the storm clouds that have been with us this weekend are breaking up and another crisp, chilly November sky looms overhead.  I've been doing alot of soul searching and deep thinking lately so that has spurred on several poetic outbursts from me. The other day I noticed a woman wearing a pair of very cute knee high boots and then felt ashamed when I went to approach her to ask her where she got them from. I wish I knew why I have these thoughts or understood them better, but I feel I guess I have to keep struggling with them for awhile before anything makes sense.  I have been doing some reading on the gender binary and what that means so that inspired the poem below.  Hope you enjoy.

Hugs,
~Jaclyn

Somewhere in between

The closest door clicks,
                             I venture out,
                                               Into confusion, I wander about,

Glance in mirror,
                       Perplexed just to see,
                                                 Hating myself, for just being me,
                                                                         
Trying to love,
                     Trying not to be ashamed,
                                                   Eyes stinging and burning, my cries in vain,


Wish I knew why,
                           These need that I feel,
                                                  Thinking I'm wrong, thinking I'm not real

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I've spend my whole life, pretending to be,
Someone people can accept, someone they'll see,
With deep hate for myself, for being born this way,
My softness true insides, I mask and hide away,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside my two souls long to be free.

Sometimes I feel,
                       On the side of a cliff,
                                                   Dangling and scrambling, with no relief,

No safety rope,
                    I can't return back,
                                               Afraid of ahead, of accepting the fact,

Should I just let go,
                            And accept a hard landing,
                                                      Or will it be soft, and understanding,

I'm frozen in place,
                         Struggling to hold up my weight,
                                                      Until the time comes for my inevitable fate,

I'm struggling to try and live somewhere in between.

Where I have been, what I struggle to be,
Is all just a ruse, a pretense I let others see,
Would anyone notice, would anyone care,

If instead of all this, I just wasn't there,

This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside, my two souls long to be free.

So I look up ahead,
                  And I look back behind,
                                         For some clear vision, to uncloud my mind,

I don't trust my past,
                  Everything feels like one big mistake,
                                         I consistently go the wrong, no matter the choice I make,

I'm feeling so lost,
                 Just an empty shell,
                                   A prisioner to this facade, I know to well,

My desperate pleas,
                 I hang in the air,
                                   No matter what rescue comes, I'll move nowhere,

Instead I'll sit and I'll cry,
                 Eyes stinging back tears,
                                    Pathethic and miserable, alone with my fears,

And this is just all,
                  I've ever learned how to be,
                                     Somewhere in between, trapped inside of me.

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I am just a lose, a hubub, a fraud,
My misery I pretend will magically dissolve,
I am just to blame, for not speaking up,
I'm destined to this enternity, unless I learn to step up,
This gender binary, I hate the notion of this you see,
Instead of one choice, I want both to reconcile within me.