Monday, February 3, 2014

Type whatever...

Hello blog,

As I spend my days in flux reading and re-reading so much information out there that I never knew existed, I have been transfixed on understanding more about the Dr. Harry Benjamin type scale no transsexualism.  No doubt it seems like an important piece of literature, I am going to try and spend some time reading his book there   At first overview it seems a bit technical for me to grasp completely, but I have of course gravitated towards his scale diagnosis and trying to figure out where I fit in.

God that is more difficult than it should be.  I think for the most part I am safe to say I am at least 3+ since honestly I feel more and more that I was born with incongruent brain and body parts.  But then is that really what I am hoping for and really I am a 1 or 2? So damn confusing and if I had to guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle groups which seems like a crapshoot group not really committed one way or another. Argh, more inconclusive results as I try and decipher why I am the way I am.

I know that I need to find some balance here, but I really just want someone to tell me to go one way or another and it to be right. I love my family and I love being Jaclyn, why can't that be right.  My physical body says that I am a man and my heart wishes I was a woman. When I think about it, I know little about what being a man is and even less about what being a woman involves. So what do I really know?

Or what is it that I don't know now, perhaps never and will have this confusion to deal with always.  I guess I am type whatever, does that really matter anyways.   As my latest poem states, perhaps I am lost and unable to go.


Unable to Go
Looking for reason in an nonsense world,
Hoping when the outcome is known,
Dry tears down my cheek I let flow,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Never flinching but feeling the pain,
Looking in mirrors but not seeing me,
Feeling different than the reflection it does show,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Anger, rage and despair I bottle up inside,
Hope, dreams, and love I desperately hide,
Fear, angst, and confuion impede me from inside,
To take one small step I am completely froze.

I guess I don't know what I want to be,
Why can't I be satisfied with all that I see,
Will I ever quiet these demons that follow me,
Why can't I escape and let them all go?

One more day passes without any resolve,
One more example why I am a lost cause,
One more time I'm unable to move forward so,
I am so lost and unable to go.


  1. Why is it so much easier
    to just light up another doobie
    and cry in your beer?


    I cry in my beer
    yet you shed not a tear.
    Why are you so mean to me?
    All I want to be is me, me meeee.


    I could grow up and be a man
    I could grow up and be a woman
    But that would be hard
    Because then, I would have to be me.


    I'll just cry in my beer,
    And shed another tear
    So much easier
    Than just being me, me, me....


  2. It seems you, "...really just want someone to tell me to go one way or another and it to be right."

    Yet you seem unwilling or unable to follow clear simple directions.

    Start at the beginning of the blog and do not skip ahead.

    No one can give you the answers you seek. Only you have control over your own life and actions. Others can only offer suggestions and samples of what worked for them.