Tuesday, May 20, 2014

random thoughts

Hello blog,
I'm turning to you today because I need some outlet here.  I've been struggling so hard lately and really feel that I am on the verge of something self-destructive.  I don't want to do it but I can't stop thinking about it so much.  I don't know why.

Lately the weather has been getting warmer and I am worried about having to explain some of the latest scars on my arms. Perhaps no one will really notice them like before but they seem more pronounced to me. I wish I could stop cutting but it is something that makes me feel better when I do it, although I hate pain and blood it doesn't seem to affect me at all when I am doing it.  Other more permanent thoughts have been on mind lately but all I can think about is the shame that the handful of people I know will feel once I do that.  I know I wallow in self-pity and shame, but I can't help shake the disappointment I have left everyone I have ever known.

I have an appointment with a pysch in a few weeks and think about asking for spiro or HRT but think he will just dwell on trying some different anti-depressant or whatever.  I don't want another pill that is supposed to make me feel happy artificially, why doesn't that profession think of anything rather than playing with chemicals to fix people.  Hell, I could take herion or smoke pot if I wanted to take chemicals to make myself feel better.  If I do it I am called a junkie, if a psych does it he is called a professional.  Crock of dog excrement I believe.

Well, that is about how I feel today and tomorrow looks like it will be even worse.  I apologize to anyone reading this looking for something happy or uplifting as I don't have that in me right now.
Hugs,
jacki

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