Saturday, November 22, 2014

i am trans

Hello blog,
In the constant ups and downs of my life, I have been writing alot again lately as these swings seem to wreck my psyche.  I think the reason I feel comfort in writing anonymously is that this is one of the two places where I can be completely honest and open about all the thoughts and feelings I have inside of me.

I've never been one to share, and have gotten even less guarded which has taken a large toll on me.  So I decided to reach out to the only person that I have felt I can be completely honest and open with and spent yesterday afternoon talking with my former gender therapist.

To say that I feel embarassed, pathethic, hopeless, etc. crawling back  to see her is an understatement. But I did, and she of course didn't take it any way like that but was glad I came as she told me I needed help.

And I do, of course.

It was also eye opening to have her tell me that I already knew the answers to the questions I was asking her and she let me open up and say them out loud.  You know the big,fat hairy ones that you have wasted so many years of shame that you dreamed you could never say out loud.

I am trans.  I will always be trans no matter what I do or try to repress it. I honestly can only remember being happy when being a woman and I deep down desire to be one someday.

This will all require alot of hard woark and effort and tears.  I am going to get there someday, someway.
Tears and hugs,

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