It has been an eventful past week here for me and I wanted some time to capture my thoughts as I still feel emotionally somewhere in-between states today. Really that is not a foreign location for me, but today the tug of the two worlds seems more of a struggle than usual.
Last week was the infamous out of town business meeting for which I got the chance to live and enjoy life as Jaclyn more than I had let myself before. And what a totally fun time it was, shopping, clubs, modeling, meeting new friends I had such a great time. And now, I feel that emptiness that the vacuum of leaving that behind creates.
I started off the first evening like oh so many by taking some time to relax and pamper myself with a nice warm bath to clear my head. Afterwards I applied a fresh set of makeup and through on a pair of my favorite jeans and decided to hit some local shops to look for something new. It was really a rush taking those first few steps out of the safety of the hotel room but I was determined that this time I would not chicken out here.
So the first shop I came to was a crowded Dress Barn in a suburban strip mall. After taking a few deep breaths, I stepped out and walked towards the store. Coming around a corner was a group of young adults hanging out, and I looked straight at one boy as I heard them giggling. While I was not sure it was directed at me, it felt like a shot in the gut of my new confidence and I hurried inside the store. Then panic totally set in, and I felt as though everyone in the crowded place was looking at me. I totally freaked out and walked with my head down to the back of store, pretended to browse a few racks, and then briskly ran out of the store. I don't even remember if I saw the group of kids hanging out as I launched myself back into my car, and I drove away to a distant lot to hyperventilate and cry for a few minutes. While I was sitting there in the car wallowing in the midst of my self-pity, somewhere inside I decided that I was not going to be ashamed and to enjoy myself. I had looked up a resale shop not far away and before I knew it I had touched up my makeup and headed into that store. This time I didn't really care about feeling out of place and spent a good long time looking and trying on different outfits. While I didn't find the cute winter dress I was looking for, I felt so proud leaving the store having made several purchases of some practical items.
Yet, this wasn't the biggest adventure of my trip. The next evening I had gone out on a lark and scheduled a make-over and photo shoot with a local to the area and what a fun time that turned out to be. I will write more about that tomorrow but sufficient to say it was one of the best nights in a very long time.