Thursday, November 13, 2014

My adventure part 3

Hello blog,

I didn't mean to write so much about my last week away but yet I feel like I have left out alot of things.  I am still trying to process everything and I am definitely having adjustment problems to putting things away again.

I guess it is that I honestly I don't want to.  I don't think I possess the strength, the fortitude, the beauty and/or the support to transition but I keep thinking of that like 24/7.  I can't explain why I feel this inside but it is a passion inside that is all-consuming at times.  But really, I keep telling myself that I don't really know anything about living life as a woman and that these thoughts are just all fantasy.  Of course I don't feel that I really know how to live life as a man so where does that put me?

One thing I definitely learned last week was how much I love a good pair of jeans.  Part of my photo shoot I got to model in a very nice pair of jeans and those are all that I can think about.  It was an OMG experience putting them on, and I feel that I need a pair of my own however impractical it is.  I am going to save the $100 to buy myself a pair and cannot wait to try them on.

Another thing that last week reminded me was about feeling good about myself.  I know that sounds like just some catch phrase, but the more I dressed, the more I felt comfortable as myself and the more I felt good about me.  I am not religious and haven't studied reincarnation, but is like that my soul and essence is truly feminine and when I stop denying this it resonates throughout.  I feel freer, able to express my emotions and so much more confident as Jaclyn, and frankly in my male mode I am disgusted and uncomfortable in my body.

So where do I go from here?  Chances are I will be to frightened to do anything and will become depressed once again.  I want to change my life but afraid and unsure of that first step.  How did others start down that path or what gave them the push they needed - or is my situation like so many others waiting at the side watching in despair?

I sometimes feel anxious that my life is a ticking time bomb and worried that I have set things in motion to finally detonate.  I could use some support or a friend right now to help set me straight.  But this is my road to decide on my own I guess, and will have to try and figure it out someday.


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