Friday, January 16, 2015

another small step forward..

Good morning blog,

I originally titled this entry first step taken although when I reflected in reality I have taken many, many tiny steps to get to this point thus far.  The least of which involve finally moving past all the years of shame and guilt and denial to finally accept that I'm me and that regardless of society that is not bad.  Step 1: understanding and acceptance check, now time to do something about it.

And doing something for me is measured on a glacial scale.  I tend to analyze, analyze, over-analyze and analyze again any decision like this which probably is maddening to everyone I know.  It's just the way I do things and I wish I had the ability to trust my gut and just go with it more often.  But finally I've done something that I can report.  My gender dysphoria or body incompatability has finally gotten too much and I need something to calm me down inside.  I just can't keep going on and on with my mind and body at war with each other and I have decided to follow my heart and start hrt.  I made my first appointment for a 3 weeks from Monday to give myself time to enjoy a last family vacation together if this step turns as I fear to be the final straw in my current situation.  Am I scared? Shitless I am.  Do I think the decision is worth the consequences?  Probably not but I cannot do this.  Am I certifiably crazy?  Well, I let those so called experts do he judging as I am tired of that.

So that is it. Probably to most others in my situation I am making a huge fuss over a molehill here but for me this is a big step.  I don't expect my appearance on the outside to change greatly but I am praying so much that it will help me find some peace on the inside.  I am hoping that as I start this next step I can also find someone in RL that I can confide and share with as I could sure use that girlfriend to have coffee or share shopping trips with so much.

Anxious, scared, happy, and a bunch of emotions here.  I'm starting to cross off days on the calendar.
Hugs, Jaclyn    

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