Happy New Years 2015 blog!
Well, it is a little late but that is due to having to have to spend the end of the last year in a hospital having a kidney stone removed. Not the ending I would have wished for, but it did give me alot of time for self inventory and reflection for the future.
The first thought I am going to try and remedy for the future is to try and be more positive. Or at least to not be as suicidally depressed as much as I am. I am so tired of all the energy of self-loathing and trying to hurt myself. I am going to start by trying to compliment people as often as I can (problem a little too much of course) and then try to compliment myself a little bit. And not on the outside physical characteristics but on my internal self emotions and feelings as well.
Secondly, I spent a long time recollecting my feelings as Jaclyn and trying to decide what to do next year. I have been trading emails with some other transgender individuals lately and have trouble relating to how they feel fine having both a male and female personality. For me, I just wish I could get rid of my maleness altogether in both appearance and personality. I can only look in a mirror when I imagining how nice it would be to have smooth skin, or a more angular chin or cleaner brows, etc. Honestly inside I do feel more and more that my brain is overwhelming female regardless what the outside wrapper says it should be.
Which leads me back to the quandry that I have been stuck at for so long. Where to go forward as in 2015 and beyond. Is it possible to be happy being a non-transitioning transgender? Do I have the strength to leave all my friends and family to embrace those ideas deep down inside me that I am too scared to let go of? Am I just being totally foolish on everything and making the biggest mistake of my life? I dunno.
What I am going to resolve to do is to talk this through with someone. I have found a place that I am going to drop by here that I am hoping will lead to some answers. What those will be I am not sure of, but I am going to try to keep on writing to help me sort this all through.
Until then, I am going to try and keep smiling. Hugs and happy new year.