Friday, January 2, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Years 2015 blog!

Well, it is a little late but that is due to having to have to spend the end of the last year in a hospital having a kidney stone removed.  Not the ending I would have wished for, but it did give me alot of time for self inventory and reflection for the future.

The first thought I am going to try and remedy for the future is to try and be more positive.  Or at least to not be as suicidally depressed as much as I am. I am so tired of all the energy of self-loathing and trying to hurt myself.  I am going to start by trying to compliment people as often as I can (problem a little too much of course) and then try to compliment myself a little bit.  And not on the outside physical characteristics but on my internal self emotions and feelings as well.

Secondly, I spent a long time recollecting my feelings as Jaclyn and trying to decide what to do next year. I have been trading emails with some other transgender individuals lately and have trouble relating to how they feel fine having both a male and female personality.  For me, I just wish I could get rid of my maleness altogether in both appearance and personality.  I can only look in a mirror when I imagining how nice it would be to have smooth skin, or a more angular chin or cleaner brows, etc.   Honestly inside I do feel more and more that my brain is overwhelming female regardless what the outside wrapper says it should be.

Which leads me back to the quandry that I have been stuck at for so long.  Where to go forward as in 2015 and beyond.  Is it possible to be happy being a non-transitioning transgender? Do I have the strength to leave all my friends and family to embrace those ideas deep down inside me that I am too scared to let go of?  Am I just being totally foolish on everything and making the biggest mistake of my life? I dunno.

What I am going to resolve to do is to talk this through with someone.  I have found a place that I am going to drop by here that I am hoping will lead to some answers.  What those will be I am not sure of, but I am going to try to keep on writing to help me sort this all through.

Until then, I am going to try and keep smiling.  Hugs and happy new year.

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