Good morning blog,
I've been doing alot of thinking lately about my gender dsyphoria (actually it seems like the only thing I am focusing on) and think I have made a decision to follow thorough with the clinic on discussing hrt.
I am not sure how to describe my mental state most times these days. I feel on edge or pre-occupied or something restless as my mind circles and circles back again on the realization that I am not right. I find myself loathing my body more and disgusted by hair and other masculine traits and just wishing that I was born female. I feel jittery, then angry, then slide into a deep well of depression every day when I think of these things. Yet I do nothing about it, and my thoughts of just ending everything seem to increase with my inability to do anything.
I feel so lost and pathetic, but most of all I am scared.
I am scared of what I want to be.
I am scared of what this will mean to everyone I love.
I am scared of losing everything and hitting the bottom.
I am scared that things really won't work out right, and I will never fit in.
I am scared on if I am really wrong about my feelings.
I went and visited my counselor last time as Jaclyn, and I so want her to start helping Jaclyn. I don't really know how to ask her this and I am fearful on not being able to do what she suggests. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at these thoughts but I am so needing the time to relax and be free,
Just typing these thoughts I am finding are difficult to do. I printed out directions to howard brown today and want to ask my counselor to go with me to an appointment there. I fear and know that what I am expecting from switching hormone levels in my body are going to be different that reality. I just want some peace as these thoughts and obsessions are relentless and seem to be the only thing I focus on.
I am so scared to take a leap into the unknown. Too scared to write anymore.
Jaclyn
The personal thoughts on the journey out of the closet and accepting myself as a proud transgender individual
Dear Jaclyn.Your post scares me. I feel inadequate, but it calls for a response, even if only to say that I'm here -as, I hope and trust, are others out there - to listen and to talk if to you need to.
ReplyDeleteI do think that you really need to get your head away from scary place it's currently in. Your counselor sounds the best first step, and maybe your GP, if sympathetic, as to whether you need to tackle the depression before committing to HRT to give you a clear space to decide where you want to go. Don't end up hating part of yourself. It's all you, no matter how you feel at the moment.