Friday, October 16, 2015

my coming out (again)

Good morning blog,

I'm feeling a bit anxious this morning thinking that next week at this time will be the start of Jaclyn's second coming out to the world.  I broke down with fear and depression yesterday and ended up sobbing on the phone to my therapist about how scared the path ahead seems to me. I feel so frightened and alone at times here that it helps to have this blog or someone to reach out to at times. Today has started a little better but I am sure I will start dwelling on things once again and cycling through the emotions.  I am such a little drama queen at times.

Anyhow, I have mapped out my day next Friday or at least through the afternoon part of it.  I am going to debut my new look and if things go well stop at a store and pick out some feminine glasses so I don't have to keep blindly fumbling around because of my vanity.  But really the mountain ahead will be my appointment at the gender clinic, and I have been busy trying to write down my thoughts that I want to say there.  Below is my current draft as the more I write this and read and put it out there the more I feel better about coming out.  Silly I know but its all the little tiny movements that result in a big step forward.  Anyways, here it is as of today:

Dr xxxx,

Thank you so much for seeing me today, it means alot to me to hopefully find someone I can talk with that understands. I feel like I have spent most of my life hating myself and hiding away.  It feels so good to finally be out and open and talking freely to you even though I know this is a safe and sheltered environment.  I just want to be free and be me and feel good about it.

I have dealt with the feelings inside that I was not born right for a very long time, and for awhile I felt that this need had gone away for good.  It hasn't, but only has gotten worse. In the past six or seven years I have had these feelings return a little at first and I started to accept that I feel better about myself as Jaclyn than in my male body.  When I look in the mirror I sometimes see Jaclyn, I sometimes see John and if I concentrate on my maleness I honestly feel sick and disgusted inside.  I hate that I cannot be happy with what I was born with, and would cut and tear about this body if that would make it better.  

I have gotten to the point now that I find myself obsessing over Jaclyn so much that I have trouble concentrating at work or at home, and spend several hours awake every night thinking about it.  I feel totally confused and pathetic to the point that I know nothing about how difficult and perhaps ridiculous my life would be as Jaclyn.

In fact, I realize that I don't really know much nor do I really know what I want.  I don't know what you would consider me - a cross-dresser, gender dsyphoria, suppressed homosexual, etc. and perhaps that is why I am flailing around in life,  It hurts to feel like I need to continue to live two different lives and deny one of them.  I have come out to my family a little over two years ago about my feelings, but for us to remain intact this part of myself cannot exist.  In the last few months I have felt totally lost and depressed about my life, and I have seriously considered suicide and made plans for this often.

I feel like my life is totally out of control, and I am so so looking for help to fix me.  Please help.

So that's the general gist.  I am still rewriting and will probably end up being rather verbose, but it feels good to get it out there.  I just don't know where that is or where it is going.

Confused as ever.  Hugs, Jaclyn

No comments:

Post a Comment