Wednesday, May 18, 2016

panic attack

Hello there blog.

This morning I feel like I am falling apart in a panic attack and need somewhere to write so I am using this blog to try and save my sanity.

I've been taking my t-blocker now for around 2.5 weeks and it feels good. I don't think there are any physical changes and this is probably all in my head but I'm feeling better. In my dysphoric view of myself, I feel like my skin is getting softer, my body hair lightening, my shape getting curvy.  I know none of this is happening but I can't stop imaging it is.  I keep focusing more and more on grooming my eyebrows, gesturing and posturing more feminine, and thinking about being a woman.  When I sleep, more and more of my dreams are about being female.  

And I want more.  I am so scared to admit this and can't speak it out loud.  I feel so torn and stressed and distracted and want to focus on something different but I can't.  I want to go back to the clinic and get the full hormone regimen and to take them.  Those words and actions seem so blissful yet I know that isn't the truth as well.  I know I can't suspend the world or that someone won't kidnap me and support my transformation and that any of those actions would have irreversible consequences.

I just really really really want it right now and am shaking with admitting to this.  I feel so scared and alone and confused.  I just don't know... 

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