It has been a tiring past week as I have felt in crisis mode once again. I know that it is not a reasonable place to be at all the time but I feel like I am powerless sometimes over things and sliding further and further down. Where exactly that is to I have no clue and wish someone would tell me.
So yesterday I embarked on making a few tiny steps once again. I spent time getting into Jaclyn mode and then spend the entire hour with my counselor talking about what the next steps I should take and what things will happen after them.
I'd be a total liar if I didn't say I was scared shitless. Prospects either direction look fraught with tragedy and irreversible decisions even without me being the drama queen I am. I decided and actually made another appointment with the gender clinic to discuss hrt and whether it is right or not for me. I feel like I owe it to myself to understand this and to get some professional opinion even if it is not the answer I want to hear. There was a very kind doctor I visited with last time at the clinic so I made sure I would see him again this time. He is popular so that will postpone the appointment until November but that is okay since it will give me a month to get my self in order.
And the biggest thing I need to get in order is saying out loud the things I feel in my heart. It is one thing to type out that I feel like I was born a mistake and want help to learn how to become a woman on an anonymous blog like this, and another thing to actually say that to ones I love and cherish. I keep things so closed and inside me that times like this I wish I had someone to share coffee with and to hug me and give me some good advice, but that requires a two-way friendship which I am not very good at.
So when I do manage to vocalize my feelings, do I really know what that statement means or how much things are going to change or how I am going to accomplish it? Not one damn idea of it. God I wish I had a machine to look into the future as that would help me sleep alot better rather than spend each night worrying and hoping how things will turn out.
So that's about it, I have a month here to get myself prepared to figure out what I am going to do next. Sounds pathetic when I type this out but I guess that is where I am at this moment. I think the biggest step is to be true and honest with my wife on my feelings and I am so scared of the rejection again of telling her where I am. She seemed to be ok with the gender dsyphoria when we didn't talk about it, and this will be way past the line of talking. I know that I owe it to her and to me to come clean, it just seems like such a daunting task to do.