Tuesday, November 8, 2016

death and rebirth?

Hello blog,

I think I am officially crazy. Or at least I feel I know what crazy feels like as it seems like so much a struggle to have two personas inside of me constantly.   As I am getting closer to my appointment this week with the local gender clinic to discuss transitioning, I keep thinking about the internal struggle to present one 'normal' personality to the world and the one inside me that feels right.

Which leads me to wonder that to truly transition does that mean you need to kill off one side to birth the other?

In my situation at least that seems the case.  I am so freaking nervous about going to the gender clinic not because I am excited about the possibilities but because it means the end of everything I have been before. It means that I will be turning my back on my family, my career, everything.  I don't know anything what I am getting into here and feel that keeping moving forward is moving forward selfishly and maybe foolishly.

So I am feeling depressed, feeling down and thinking alot about death.  I have been frightening myself more recently as last night I totally lost it and ended up on the kitchen floor alone pressing a butcher knife to my throat and thinking that this may be a better alternative.  Of course I didn't do it since I am still typing but I collapsed and just cried and felt so tired afterwards.

I don't know where tomorrow leads or if there will be a tomorrow anymore. I feel so lost and desperate and don't think professional help will even do any good anymore.  I think I am crazy. Make that I know I am.

1 comment:

  1. Don't think like that. I guess you are over-thinking, with ideas building upon ideas and magnifying themselves each time.

    Treat each step as a small step and go with the flow. Not looking at the jump from one state to the other. Your life history is still there. Regrets, bad times, good times, achievements. You are just taking that and slowly moving onto another state. At your own time. You do not need to turn your back on everything. Some things will disappear from your life whether you have initiated them or not. Just let it happen naturally as you grow and move forward.

    I've not gone to the GIC myself and most likely never will. They are there to help you. Relax and enjoy the trip. It will never happen again.

    All the best!