I think I am officially crazy. Or at least I feel I know what crazy feels like as it seems like so much a struggle to have two personas inside of me constantly. As I am getting closer to my appointment this week with the local gender clinic to discuss transitioning, I keep thinking about the internal struggle to present one 'normal' personality to the world and the one inside me that feels right.
Which leads me to wonder that to truly transition does that mean you need to kill off one side to birth the other?
In my situation at least that seems the case. I am so freaking nervous about going to the gender clinic not because I am excited about the possibilities but because it means the end of everything I have been before. It means that I will be turning my back on my family, my career, everything. I don't know anything what I am getting into here and feel that keeping moving forward is moving forward selfishly and maybe foolishly.
So I am feeling depressed, feeling down and thinking alot about death. I have been frightening myself more recently as last night I totally lost it and ended up on the kitchen floor alone pressing a butcher knife to my throat and thinking that this may be a better alternative. Of course I didn't do it since I am still typing but I collapsed and just cried and felt so tired afterwards.
I don't know where tomorrow leads or if there will be a tomorrow anymore. I feel so lost and desperate and don't think professional help will even do any good anymore. I think I am crazy. Make that I know I am.