learning to love oneself

Hello blog,

This part holiday weekend I've had plenty of time to relax and reflect upon myself and I feel the need to express it today here.  I realize that how drastic and horrible I make things out to be, I really have lots to be thankful for and need to spend more time on the positive aspects rather than my shortcomings. Easier typed than done, huh?

So anyways, while I have noticed some slight physical changes since starting HRT, my emotional state has definitely been changing the most.  I feel much more calmer and relaxed, and so far it just feels right to have estrogen in my body.   I may be completely fooling myself in believing this is the reason why, but I know I haven't cut myself lately and have been feeling good for a bit.  Right now I feel somewhat safe in knowing I could stop and go back to the ways things were, but mentally imagining going back seems impossible.

Last week I took the time to dress up nice and go out for a bit.  I really enjoyed having this time for me and somewhere in the middle of getting ready it seemed like a different emotion took over my thoughts.  It sorta of was like instead of trying to be Jaclyn I just somehow became Jaclyn.  Ok it may sound really corny, but I'm still searching for the terms or words to describe the feelings of the night.  All I knew at that time was that it just felt right inside and I found myself taking my guard down and enjoying the moment.

While I stopped getting ready and sat down on a chair, I took stock of myself and my feeling.   No matter how ridiculous I looked at that moment half-dressed and half done-up, I actually felt that I liked my body and myself.  If I have felt this way before, I couldn't seem to remember as it seems I have been spending my whole life looking at my body and thinking instead how disgusting it was.  I don't remember finishing getting ready, but I do remember spending time in front of a mirror for the first time in so long.

So that was my little bit of self-realization and my little step of my journey this past week.  I know that I need to keep working on loving myself more often.  This is a hard task for me and one that will take alot of work, but hopefully I will get there and be more of the person that I want to be.

Until then, hugs.
Jaclyn