Fear of change

Hello blog,

I have spending a lot of sleepless nights recently thinking about change and what that all means to me.  Not just change of identity, but internal change in how I feel about myself, relate with others and how I can try and focus on changes to make myself positive and be who I want to be.

These thoughts are good but thoughts without action are ... well, just thoughts.  So then I start thinking of what holds me back from taking action on these thoughts and that is what I'd like to write out more about here.

If I am being truthful, there are many reasons that I don't take action which at the time may be valid and some invalid.  From I am not quite yet ready and it is safer to not make a change (perhaps valid) to it is easier to keep doing the same even if I am miserable (kinda foolish).  When I start listing out all my reasons for not making any changes, most of them boil down to one thing - being afraid of change.

What is this fear of change?  Accepting myself as being transgender I realize that this also means accepting changes physically but more importantly emotionally.  How many people and things in my life will I lose as I continue down that path to accept me is a common question that I have dwelt upon for a long time.  The more important question I am coming to realize that I haven't dwelt on enough is how much will I gain by moving ahead?

So instead of sitting there paralyzed with my fear and thoughts and not doing anything, I am trying a new approach.  I am going to try to take these large goal looming ahead in my transition (moving to full-time happy Jaclyn and being out in the world) to instead take tiny little steps and keep pushing myself to take them.  For example, I am going to try and work on social skills by trying to make new friends and search out support groups and then be patient to do these little things.  It is going to be difficult because of bad past patterns of failing at one small thing and then giving up.  Instead I am going to know that I will move ahead, then back, then ahead, then back and eventually these steps will lead me more forward than backward overall.

While I am trying to avoid the fear, I am still wary of change and of days ahead of me.  I am also telling myself to be afraid of some of the dark days behind when I refused to change and how destructive that was.  I have a long, long, long way to go and know all these changes will be a huge disruption in my life.  I am just looking forward to what amazing things I am going to benefit from with the change instead.

Hugs, Jaclyn

Here's a recent poem I have written about this long road of change that I thought fit in here.

Walking naked in the rain,
Feeling, absorbing, surrounding in pain,
Going down this fruitless path path again,
It is time for me to make a change.

Thoughts carry weight even with actions undone,
They set things in motion not yet begun,
A dangerous exciting path to start down upon,
It is time for me to make a change.

The next time I just want to run away,
The next time I think there's no reason to stay,
The next time I do not want to even face the day,
It is time for me to make a change.

I now realize my inaction has hurt so deeply,
Opportunities that I have thrown away so selfishly,
No more will I continue to act so stupidly,
 A new me, it is time to make a change