I am going to try to be a bit more optimistic and sunny today instead of my usual doom and gloom. I am not going to apologize for those feelings as those are part of me, but rather work on being a little bit better each day.
Some new updates since my recent posts. After my last meltdown, I have started more intensive therapy daily and been working towards acceptance. I went to visit an endocrinologist to discuss hormone therapy and got some baseline levels done. I am waiting to speak with her around starting a prescription once they are read and really excited about that. I have also reached out to some local trans groups and support groups and going to try to put myself out there. I have been discussing this all with my wife and slowly working with her to do small incremental steps.
I do worry though that as I continue I feel more and more that it is time that I accept myself completely and let myself free. I feel like it is a building wave here and I have started so far that I may not be able to go back now. I have thought that many times before but this does feel a little different. Time will tell if I have that courage and strength. Slowly I need to tell myself and look for supports. It is just hard after you feel like you wasted too much time.
Today I wrote a new poem after awhile. Not very good but it sums my head space right now.
~Jaclyn
Always Me
Looking at myself,
Don't like anything about me,
Anger, sadness, despair all around,
Why can't I be who I want to be?
I don't look right to other people,
I don't fit any simple box or label,
Others may think I should forget this folly completely,
But it will always be there with me.
Always there, wherever I look
Always there, running through my brain,
Always there, among others I see
Always there, but never me
Yet.
Reaching out to the local support group was the first positive step in pulling me out of a cycle of repression and depression. I hope it goes well for you.
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