The personal thoughts on the journey out of the closet and accepting myself as a proud transgender individual
Thursday, May 12, 2022
Last Post
Hello and good bye blog,
I have not been writing much lately because I have been depressed, anxious, sad and just not able to make many coherent thoughts. Today however writing for me is simple because I have peace, solitude, acceptance of my plan ahead.
I am coming up on the nine year anniversary of coming out as Jaclyn and it has been a tumultuous nine years since that date. I have had many experiences, shared thoughts and opinions with others, spent time analyzing things in therapy, and even reached out for medical assistance.
Really in the end I am no further than what I was nine years ago and just have a lot of sorrow and regret for what could have been.
But that is passed now, instead of bouts of non-controllable crying I know just have silent thoughts and no more tears. My commitment to my family and others is complete, I hoped to be around a little longer to celebrate a bit but things are taken care of so that everyone can function independently and even have some reserves that I have put aside for them financially. I am now starting to disperse of some of those token objects that I foolishly once covetted and to say my final good byes. I have already started down that list and know it is time to say good bye to this blog and my delusional fantasy world as Jaclyn and to cross that off the list.
It feels comforting to have an exit plan and final date all set. In the sweet words of others I am finally coming home and going to drown out all the noise.
Good bye blog and thank you for being there for me.
Jaclyn
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Hi, I hope you are okay. It probably feels this way but you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi. Sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. Please, do talk to someone if you need help. Nothing need be final. It's okay to step back, take a break, or any of that. Just, do what's right for you and look after yourself. L x
ReplyDeleteThings are always the darkest before they improve. Please take it from someone whose life had to unravel before it could be rebuilt. There is much hope to cling to Jaclyn!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to find the peace and acceptance you deserve. ❤️
ReplyDeleteThere is still so much worth that you offer to this world. Don’t leave us!
ReplyDeleteJaclyn
ReplyDeleteI thought of leaving also but realize there would never be opportunities to be Kristine again. My wife was ok with me at one time but not now. I know there is still opportunity in the future to be able to go out again. There is a future there for you too. Please think twice before there is no turning back. Being who I am is the best thing now for me. I never want to give that up and you should not either.
Please be there with all of us.
Love and would love being your friend.
Kristine
Hoping you're okay.
ReplyDeleteJaclyn, so many of us have been where you are, considering an "exit " strategy. Gender dysphoria can, by itself, tear a person apart mentally and emotionally from the inside; not to mention having to deal with family and friends who are either unsympathetic or simply don't understand what you are going through. But I must tell you that ending your life will not put an end to your problems, only your life here on Earth. It will seal your destiny and create a new problem for which there is no solution and no escape. God loves you, Jaclyn, so much that he sent his only begotten Son to die for you so that you (and I) can have eternal life, and have life here on Earth more abundantly. 2 Peter 3:9 says that God is not willing that ANY should perish, but that all should come to repentance. God does not want to see you perish Jaclyn, nor do I. Believe me when I tell you that I have felt like you must be feeling now. But please don't harm yourself, and then find out it was the greatest mistake of your life. Jeanna Sue Jillespsie on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteI've felt the despair, the numbness, the paralysis. I conditioned my family to learn to live without me through my emotional withdrawal, until I learned that they would rather have me around as a happy woman than the miserable man I had become. I can't say that it has been an easy transition for any of us, but it has turned out to be the most important commitment I could have made for them.
ReplyDeletePlease don't give up - not on yourself, and not on your loved ones. <3
Jaclyn, I hope you get help right now. Please seek it! Your plan, if it involves your exit from life (which your post sounds like) is not a good solution, and will cause so much pain to others. It sounds like you are tired, but I am praying that you find the strength to reach out for help!
ReplyDeletePlease reconsider. There is nothing, no matter how bad, which cannot be addressed.
ReplyDeleteAll of the people so far who have posted here have walked the same road as you. We know the heartache, and we know the suffering, and many of us have stared into the abyss of despair into which you are now staring.
Please find one last bit of courage and seek help. Change something. Maybe it can't be turned around, but there are always solutions. It doesn't have to end this way.
Jacqueline: I hope you are reconsidering what to do next. I'm sure it feels bad right now, but know that there are people who love and support you, and will respect and support you even if they don't know all about you. Here's hoping you don't give up, and that you find the help and support you need.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. There is an entire community of people who have been where you are. There is nothing i can tell you that will not sound cliché. But please know that there can always be a better future.
ReplyDeleteI really hope this was just a blip and you are ok.
ReplyDelete