tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40535909181641964872024-03-14T01:06:15.461-07:00Just Jaclyn...The personal thoughts on the journey out of the closet and accepting myself as a proud transgender individual Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-46060662293215162532024-02-28T06:33:00.000-08:002024-02-28T06:33:06.088-08:00Trapped inside my head<p> </p><p><u>Trapped inside my head</u></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">I’m trapped inside my head,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this strange world I’m alone,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes I wish I were dead,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes I wish I belonged,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the safety of this place I seek,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Somewhere to run away,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here my masks I can discard,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here only briefly can I stay,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alone, confused, screaming at the world,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alone, in shame, rolling in the waves of pain,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I suffer endlessly.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are lots of words I hear,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Advice on paths to take,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I just want to disappear,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I feel I am a mistake,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t know what they all do mean,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When they say I can be free,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">By just accepting myself,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I don’t know what that means,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m a fake, a fraud, trapped in this prison forever,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m weak, pathetic, a victimizer to me,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My penance is to be here to stay.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The relentless moon rises on another night,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I lie awake in the quiet solitude again, <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Travelling back through this miserable world,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I go off in search of a friend,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To fantasize of what cannot be,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To entertain an alternative reality,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To imagine what it is like to be free,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In a world that doesn’t penalize me,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For me, I’m lost, I’m trapped inside my head,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For me, I’m gone, not alive but mostly dead,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is all I’ll ever be.<o:p></o:p></p><br /><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-61379034811178015232024-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:002024-02-04T07:28:34.243-08:00More questions, less answers<p> Good morning blog,</p><p>I just spent a long night of thinking (brooding) and needed to write some of these feelings out to try and work myself through them. Since this blog is for me I do not want to apologize for any ignorance that I have wrote here, but I do realize being in a possible public space this may offend some people. Please realize that I have plenty of psychiatric history to not classify myself as a sane person, and I do know that I have a severely distorted sense of the world from what I am told. I am just trying to relay a little bit of my truth here and if I do spout some garbage here that bothers you, feel free to stop reading and know that I apologize in advance. The very last thing I ever want to do is to hurt anyone else in this world, but I do feel I owe myself to work through my truth. </p><p>Lately I've been trying to understand what it means to me to say that I am trans. I know all the formal DSM definitions of this, but really trying to put this all into my words to help me understand myself.</p><p>I think for me, I view this world mostly in the binary two genders as that is the reality I have been existing in. There is a men's world and a women's world and there are conscious and unconscious bias by society and by me. The $1B Barbie movie is just a recent example to me of this point, the main story talked about from the movie that I have seen is how the doll portrays how women are viewed as second class to men, rather than do we really need to have a Barbie and Ken world separate at all. I didn't see any butch Barbie's or Ken's in a dress on screen, perhaps again my pre-biases missed the point of the story again.</p><p>In my world all I can see is there are men and there are women and we can say they are separate and equal but that is a load of BS. For those of us that don't fall into our biological assigned group (see Mr. Desantis if you need formal definitions of this), the overwhelming majority of people that we will interact with us will be tolerate and respectful but also conscious or unconsciously place us into some group.</p><p>For those who consciously react, that is pretty simple - they need us to go into the right restroom, to interact and talk to us with the right pronouns or emotions, to have the right presentation and keep everyone on their correct side like how the boys and girl used to separate in my time in a junior high dance or at church.</p><p>The harder differences to me are the unconscious reactions - the way someone approaches and interacts with another person after determining their gender, the differences in conversation and tone people have when talking within their own gender vs. conversing across genders, the way emotions are accepted and expressed by men and women. I have been out shopping for clothes (presenting as either male and female) and have observed the "looks" from someone that has an unconscious bias to know this exists. I could go down a rabbit hole here in countless many more ways, but I will suffice in stating that in my view society at least today feels the need to classify most things into a binary world. </p><p>Really the concept that I keep coming back to here is segregation. I know that concept usually correlates with racial injustices and is so more eloquently and correctly addressed by those who have fought and continue to fight the racial injustices of society and I humbly appreciate their struggle and contributions. But I do feel in my view that really we exist in a world today that is segregated by gender and this causes me so much pain.</p><p>I guess for me, it has always meant that I need to get up and exist in a man's world because that is the appearance everyone sees on the outside. It means dressing in limited range of clothes, being expected to act and react in a certain manner around others, carry myself in a certain way, talk and express emotions to not make others uncomfortable, etc. etc. I have believed (you can blame it on being what I have been taught and trained into thinking) that my biological makeup has determined how I need to present and be in the world and I shouldn't really question this. Maybe I'm too stupid to understand this basic fact, but to me it almost feels like their is a men's and women's club and I should feel ashamed and disgusted in myself for ever wanting to reject my preassigned one and wanting to be in the other.</p><p>I know that I am flaying badly here, but I am working up to trying to get to my point here. I guess in my core, I don't feel like I want to be into either group. I hate so much being a man and just getting up each day and playing that role deadens another little part of me. I have done that so long that I really don't feel much of anything anymore, my crying about it has stopped and trying to hurt myself doesn't even register any pain. I thought for a really long time that I wanted to be part of the women's world - to be able to join in conversations and share thoughts on fashions, emotional feelings, etc. I don't even know what that world would really be but I have accepted that I would not fit into that one either.</p><p>So what the hell do I want? I guess the world that I want is one without binary divisions, without segregation, without any expectations of someone based on appearance or gender roles, one in which I could just exist as I want to be and people would treat and not feel uncomfortable or ashamed or whatever if they saw me outside of the way I am supposed to appear to them.</p><p>I know that one of my biggest defects is that I have a really hard time understanding what other people are thinking and that I assume 99.9% of the time wrongly about them. But I don't have the personality to just say fuck the world and that I am going to be what I want to be and its their problem if they don't like it. I cannot just set fire to my own house and I will never ever get to point that I can do that. The pain and anguish and loneliness is to debilitating to me to even go into that exercise in my imagination. For everyone else that has bared this pain and suffering, you have my highest respect and I cannot imagine how strong you must be.</p><p>To me, being trans is that I am trapped inside without a club to belong to. I have thoughts, feelings, emotions that will never be accepted by those who I love in this world. I have hoped that they may come around but that is like waiting for the entire society to change and the term not in my lifetime comes to the top of my mind. Being trans to me means to suffer, it is the old verse that having a dream inside that doesn't come true is something truly worse. This is the source of my depression and this is reason I will never be cured of that. On my good days, I can ignore this point for most of the time but it is impossible to completely bury it away. On my bad days, this is an like a bad song that plays over and over until I think I need to shut off the record permanently. I can't really remember too many good days in a long time.</p><p>I don't really know where to go from here, I am trying to treat the depression by approaching it from different angles but I don't hold out much hope with having the same reflection of the world around me. I am trying to be strong to support my loved ones but I am feel so weak at times. I just don't know as I don't have a path to go anywhere else.</p><p>Ok, well I have gone off the rails again and will try to straighten myself up and move on again. I did have some time for self expression this past weekend so I am adding a photo here to help me remember this. </p><p>Until next time ~ hugs</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwDjg5LBITyISjmUH3UjPmKuL022CsohbCucPDu2M6CHF-xpjxEgU9p-RcygkYqlSHHz49u4KlAsa5FzRAEFnknL1PHyabyajpYoa7fZ8GXLk4NT2nEWP2EFP18hYQGpwUKglSaAHS2wFiR9ynW9AvMYwEjOimF2g0cUaRIiOsJkXSGHFdhpeODFqClHc/s2397/IMG_5830.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2397" data-original-width="1613" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwDjg5LBITyISjmUH3UjPmKuL022CsohbCucPDu2M6CHF-xpjxEgU9p-RcygkYqlSHHz49u4KlAsa5FzRAEFnknL1PHyabyajpYoa7fZ8GXLk4NT2nEWP2EFP18hYQGpwUKglSaAHS2wFiR9ynW9AvMYwEjOimF2g0cUaRIiOsJkXSGHFdhpeODFqClHc/s320/IMG_5830.jpg" width="215" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-79897319998760960212024-01-29T16:01:00.000-08:002024-01-29T16:01:47.414-08:00stuck<p>Hello blog.</p><p>I know its been a long time for me to write, but the truth be told I have struggled with just making it through to another day and writing seems so taxing at times.</p><p>Today I am reminiscing on the fact that it has been over 10 years since I came out to my significant other and really feel like that was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't have any progress to report except backward and several hospitalizations and failed therapy and drugs to show for it.</p><p>I just feel like I am in the bottom of a seemingly endlessly tall pit and there is never going to be any way out. I'm sorry if that is not the cheery, hopeful, positive attitude we are supposed to exhibit but I have no idea how to change.</p><p>I feel totally empty inside. I used to cry all the time but now there are no tears or emotions just me telling myself to cry. To give up. To just let go of the never ending hell that each day of my existence brings.</p><p>Sorry I didn't mean to get so dark but anyone who offers hope I am going to defecate all over them. I am so tired of pretending to be fine, to be getting better, to be happy in my privileged position in this world.</p><p>Frankly I feel I don't want anything out of this world, but as my multiple therapists have told me, I have an internal safety switch so I can rely on that to keep me around. I just don't know what being around does for me anymore.</p><p>I'm going to try to write more and be more uplifting, but I also don't want to be fake to my true feelings here. I just don't know... </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-40941850841287860212023-05-24T06:13:00.000-07:002023-05-24T06:13:21.093-07:00hopeless<p><span style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">How do you deal with waking up each day with a body that you have so much hate towards and a physical appearance that you obsess over how vile it is. Having the only love of your life to be embarrassed and ashamed of you to the point of any little thing being a passive comment of how wrong you are. Knowing that this is not healthy but also knowing you’d rather die than to be alone and apart of them. This pain and stress continues to wear me down each day to the point there </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a style="color: #385898; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit;" tabindex="-1"></a></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">is no way out. I hate this life and so jealous of you who have your s&it together here. I am a horrible mistake.</span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-66471605514930260022023-04-03T06:25:00.004-07:002023-04-03T06:36:01.314-07:00Struggle WithinJust came across an old poem of mine that still resonates with me and I wanted to publish it here before losing it again. <div><br /></div><div><u>Struggle Within </u></div><div>I stare deeply off to the far horizon </div><div>Watery vision only comes to me </div><div>I wonder why I can never move forward </div><div>I wonder why I can never be free</div><div><br /></div><div>It hurts so deeply, so quietly within </div><div>I feel so alone, a freak to hide away </div><div>To be a shame for those I love</div><div>To be a false promise to them each day</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't fit into boxes, I don't comply at all </div><div>I don't really know where to begin</div><div>Each day the battle rages on, </div><div>An eternal struggle within </div><div><br /></div><div>At day end I run away </div><div>Lack the courage to make a change </div><div>To become the real me </div><div>Instead of this foolish charade</div><div><br /></div><div>I desperately need some tender shoulder to embrace </div><div>Some caring hand to direct the right way </div><div>I've gone down so many wrong turns that I'm turned all about</div><div>This is the hell that I am destined to stay </div><div><br /></div><div>On the verge of giving up </div><div>I keep hoping for sun </div><div>Praying for this circle to break </div><div>Praying for somewhere to run</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't keep inside the pain I feel much longer </div><div>And the fear that I am just a mistake</div><div>I struggle each day within myself</div><div>Too much for me to take.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-49337337438930750302023-02-07T06:25:00.001-08:002023-02-07T06:25:26.374-08:00bottomI'm turning here to write because I am unable to turn to anywhere else. Today I have no motivation to live anymore and just feel completely dead inside. I take that back, I don't really feel anything inside but just a hollow shell. I have no sense of identity, no sense of being and no idea what I am or want. I've tried to explain this to people and they don't really listen but try to argue more with me until I lash out in anger and hopelessness that it will ever get any better. It won't bacause I can't let it and I can't control why I am this way. I am just broken, worthless and at my end. I don't have anywhere to turn to anymore but just to sit her and cry in the misery I wrought. I know what I need to do but just can't take that final step. I don't know anything anymore.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-6093691314311380842022-05-12T08:48:00.004-07:002022-05-12T08:48:46.292-07:00Last PostHello and good bye blog,
I have not been writing much lately because I have been depressed, anxious, sad and just not able to make many coherent thoughts. Today however writing for me is simple because I have peace, solitude, acceptance of my plan ahead.
I am coming up on the nine year anniversary of coming out as Jaclyn and it has been a tumultuous nine years since that date. I have had many experiences, shared thoughts and opinions with others, spent time analyzing things in therapy, and even reached out for medical assistance.
Really in the end I am no further than what I was nine years ago and just have a lot of sorrow and regret for what could have been.
But that is passed now, instead of bouts of non-controllable crying I know just have silent thoughts and no more tears. My commitment to my family and others is complete, I hoped to be around a little longer to celebrate a bit but things are taken care of so that everyone can function independently and even have some reserves that I have put aside for them financially. I am now starting to disperse of some of those token objects that I foolishly once covetted and to say my final good byes. I have already started down that list and know it is time to say good bye to this blog and my delusional fantasy world as Jaclyn and to cross that off the list.
It feels comforting to have an exit plan and final date all set. In the sweet words of others I am finally coming home and going to drown out all the noise.
Good bye blog and thank you for being there for me.
JaclynUnknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-25195048289905004682022-02-17T06:36:00.003-08:002022-02-17T06:36:35.569-08:00feeling sad<p> Hello blog,</p><p>I am feeling really down, defeated and hopeless in the world today. I have chronic depression according to the medical diagnostic terminology, and literally it feels like it is crushing me today.</p><p>I don't know how to end this depression and no it is not as simple as shutting down that little voice inside my head. I feel alone and sad and nothing can fix that void I feel inside of me. I hate my body and my inability to change or accept it, I hate my personality and my inability to brighten or improve that, and I hate the fact that I have nothing better to look forward to but to have these feelings for the rest of my life.</p><p>I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either. I am crying, I am pathetic and I feel like there is no one I can talk to. I tried that and either made people upset or wanting to commit me for feeling the way I do. </p><p>I feel that deep down pain inside my chest and lump in my throat and all I want to do is clutch a pillow, curl up in a ball and cry. Alone. Nothing nothing nothing fucking ever gets better. That is just shit that people say that don't understand. I hurt so much right now and feel so cut off from anyone else.</p><p>Depression sucks but life is much worse for me.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-66533430722423912972022-01-20T13:35:00.005-08:002022-01-20T13:35:45.184-08:00question for the day<p> Who do you want to be?</p><p>I was asked this question today and I am still wondering my response here.</p><p>Sounds like a pretty straight forward and simply question at first glance but that can be deceptive. I wanted to respond right away with the first answer that came into my head but after holding on to that thought for a moment I became unsure of that response.</p><p>Sometimes we want one thing but do not want to give up other things to make that a reality - in that case perhaps it is what we would be not to give something up that we really want to be.</p><p>Sometimes we pine for a different thing but really rather have the fairy tale of the idea rather than it.</p><p>For me, I want to stop living my life pretend and only being free as Jaclyn here in the virtual world and in during some fleeting moments. The price for that freedom for me is very steep and what has been holding me down or is what I really want is the comfort of my current existence since I haven't seem to be able to make a change.</p><p>I really don't know the right answer here but feel like my depression will never get better until I can answer this truthful and believe in my answer. I've heard that to move forward you need to be uncomfortable; and I feel that I need to move ahead since I am stuck. I will keep contemplating this question here as I work on my personal self-acceptance.</p><p>Hugs,</p><p>~Jaclyn</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhX-LCxQqtYaAuNcC1j04FsIUp9XxwggSd0oJvjS7FVvEsNxc9bjdDevOjG7QZa0AwlAXpghzCCZ0WcJTzYu5Lafkaw1lfmKw74SvonwFJNODmxi305LpUz3ZAkkYpgc_7ybS1PDTH2kD-QmGuGrk6FYQf4aBGr5Ya6b0_j6LsRre9BaAUus83NEYrA=s160" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="160" data-original-width="62" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhX-LCxQqtYaAuNcC1j04FsIUp9XxwggSd0oJvjS7FVvEsNxc9bjdDevOjG7QZa0AwlAXpghzCCZ0WcJTzYu5Lafkaw1lfmKw74SvonwFJNODmxi305LpUz3ZAkkYpgc_7ybS1PDTH2kD-QmGuGrk6FYQf4aBGr5Ya6b0_j6LsRre9BaAUus83NEYrA" width="62" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-51873004326680901472022-01-13T08:16:00.002-08:002022-01-13T08:16:12.992-08:00Covid sucks<p> Hello blog,</p><p>I am so fucking sick and tired of Covid. Wrecking every plan and making me feel so isolated from everyone. </p><p>Last night my wife got a positive test so we are not quarantining until I can get a test which I think will probably show me as positive as well. If I get it and die maybe that's not to bad so my daughter can collect the insurance money to have a better life.</p><p>My wife and I had big arguments this week about taking Hrt and coming out as trans to her sister. Basically the message was to not be trans or leave. Since I am pathethic, I have stopped the estrogen and tried to be more "normal". I think this must be a sign that I am not really trans since I am not able to stand up for myself here. I am feeling really low and wanting to self-harm again.</p><p>Life is such a big pile of shit I don't really care right now about much and don't deserve it. I am feeling very resigned today and low.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-81979606535480310132021-12-27T13:59:00.005-08:002021-12-27T13:59:59.144-08:00My plans for 2022 .. <p><br /></p><p>As I get ready to say good riddance to 2021, I wanted to take a quick moment to take stock of where I feel 2022 is headed towards at this time. If anything this past year has taught me is that life can really hard and acceptance of oneself is the most difficult and most important thing to do before setting a direction for the path ahead.</p><p>I feel like I am starting to crawl out of the deep hole of depression that has plagued me not only this year but in the past. As I sit here writing with an estradiol pill dissolving under my tongue, I see a vision and an overwhelming need to transition to start living a true life for me. There is this feeling that I have wasted so much time pretending to be what others what for me and wish that I could just rush through this process overnight. Not only do I know that it will take time, but I also realize that I do need a plan to make this all happen. So what I have been spending my time recently is working out a tentative transitional plan for next year. Here is what I have right now</p><p>Jan. 2022 - Work on building a support system, attend a local transgender group event and continue with some depression support skills group. Work on my transition plan with my therapist.</p><p>Feb 2022 - My first 3 month check in with endocrinologist, start to include t-blockers along with recommended dosage adjustments specified by her. Virtual weekly transgender support group will be starting this month.</p><p>March/April 2022 - Continue to work on building support network, working on improving image skills (makeup, clothes, presentation) as well as look into/start vocal training. I am hoping that some of the HRT physical effects will start to become noticeable and will keep me moving forward.</p><p>May/June/July 2022 - I think this will be important times for me as I would like to take this time to come out to my daughter and other immediate family members. I want so bad to get my ears pierced and start to do electrolysis to get rid of hair that leads to so much dysphoria. One personal goal for me would be to participate in the local pride parade.</p><p>I feel if I can accomplish all of these feats I will have made a year's worth of progress already, and there are going to be a lot of stumbles and road blocks to get here. I feel like this will be a good check-in point to see how far I have come.</p><p>Aug/Sep/Oct 2022 - I want to be working on vocal training, electrolysis and feeling more confident in going out around this time. I am hoping at this point to be close if not out part-time beside work and have started some plans for socially transitioning</p><p>Nov/Dec 2022 - I am thinking that after a year of working on physical transition, I will be starting the process for social transition here. I would be coming out at work and starting to free myself from any form of male identity.</p><p>1st half of 2023: Start making some permanent changes - FFS, name change. Try to figure out what the hell to do with the sad excuse that is the natural hair on my head. Celebrate my daughter's finishing of high school / beginning of college.</p><p>2nd half of 2023: Continue to live authentically - consider breast augmentation and any other surgeries to bring me some harmony in my life. Plan for the next phase of my life. </p><p>So that's the current rosy plan here. Not sure how close reality will be but trying to be optimistic. The one part of this journey that is up in the air is how supportive my wife will be with this and from our recent conversations I believe that answer is not very. So there is my major issue in feeling ahead is the unknown loss of my family and hope that I can save a life with my daughter. I feel however that I need to do this or part of me will just die and I worry so much of the depression associated with this. One thing is for sure that 2022 will be a very very emotional one for me. I am hoping to come out on a brighter side, only time will tell.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-7895896049522956812021-12-22T13:31:00.001-08:002021-12-22T13:31:35.432-08:00Happy Holidays!<p> Signing off for a bit - wishing everyone a happy holidays and new year 2022!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEixYWztHO2x8kyNhN5mTxWYJIbrOhl2DU5_BeKhW7Q98gjLFLToWP5G7qEGkUnOAfYc3fmIsWMmW02C1rO_wFYYKXBo09TpzMwUXMUueqFcgZBDYjSps_UwcdvLo55GZCAirFH9hd5aLHnmkH7hy20DyjJFPG54y71Kb4MeYeIe3R2YRYswKv9nPdWk=s738" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="738" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEixYWztHO2x8kyNhN5mTxWYJIbrOhl2DU5_BeKhW7Q98gjLFLToWP5G7qEGkUnOAfYc3fmIsWMmW02C1rO_wFYYKXBo09TpzMwUXMUueqFcgZBDYjSps_UwcdvLo55GZCAirFH9hd5aLHnmkH7hy20DyjJFPG54y71Kb4MeYeIe3R2YRYswKv9nPdWk=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-78500049034183449182021-12-19T12:32:00.003-08:002021-12-19T12:32:52.917-08:00Hoping for happiness in 2022<p> Hello and happy holidays to everyone regardless of whatever celebrations you do or do not take part in. One thing we all celebrate is the new year and I am getting ready to make 2022 the year of my change.</p><p>I have been spending alot of time in self-reflection and acceptance and decided I need to take care of the dysphoria and feeling of being fake so that I avoid any more trips to the ER on suicide watch. It is really scary and overwhelming but I feel 100% sure it is what I need to do.</p><p>My goal for the new year is to start to plan for my transition and take the first steps necessary. I have a really long path to go but I will not feel genuine if I keep trying to deny myself inside.</p><p>For once I feel some clearing in my head and a path leading ahead. Here's to celebrating things the road ahead and having the courage and strength to let my heart finally be my guide.</p><p>Cheers,<br />Jaclyn</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-42917489248883467962021-12-08T16:17:00.004-08:002021-12-08T16:17:40.028-08:00A new start (again) for hopefully the last time<p>A new start again today. I just took my first estrogen tablet after so long without and feel good and valid inside for once.</p><p>I know that I have started and stopped transitioning a couple of times but this time is different. This time I am not doing it alone in stealth away from my partner. She is still not totally supportive but I am being honest with her and everyone in my life for the first time. I am searching out support and joined a trans support group yesterday that will start soon and thinking of going out to visit some local girls that are in the area.</p><p>Things just feel so much different this time. My perspective has changed and I realize that I do not have to be one or another gender but I could be fluid or non-binary and go to somewhere in the middle I feel is best for me. Inside I yearn to go full-time as a woman but I will try to patient during this and not rush into things.</p><p>I feel very hopefully today after so so much time in the dark. I am looking forward to this new chapter and trying to keep my heart open.</p><p>~ Jaclyn</p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-52219207840274577532021-12-01T16:17:00.004-08:002021-12-01T16:17:52.494-08:00A little more sunny todayHello blog,<div><br /></div><div>I am going to try to be a bit more optimistic and sunny today instead of my usual doom and gloom. I am not going to apologize for those feelings as those are part of me, but rather work on being a little bit better each day.</div><div><br /></div><div>Some new updates since my recent posts. After my last meltdown, I have started more intensive therapy daily and been working towards acceptance. I went to visit an endocrinologist to discuss hormone therapy and got some baseline levels done. I am waiting to speak with her around starting a prescription once they are read and really excited about that. I have also reached out to some local trans groups and support groups and going to try to put myself out there. I have been discussing this all with my wife and slowly working with her to do small incremental steps.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do worry though that as I continue I feel more and more that it is time that I accept myself completely and let myself free. I feel like it is a building wave here and I have started so far that I may not be able to go back now. I have thought that many times before but this does feel a little different. Time will tell if I have that courage and strength. Slowly I need to tell myself and look for supports. It is just hard after you feel like you wasted too much time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I wrote a new poem after awhile. Not very good but it sums my head space right now. </div><div>~Jaclyn</div><div><br /></div><div><u>Always Me</u></div><div>Looking at myself,</div><div>Don't like anything about me,</div><div>Anger, sadness, despair all around,</div><div>Why can't I be who I want to be?</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't look right to other people,</div><div>I don't fit any simple box or label,</div><div>Others may think I should forget this folly completely,</div><div>But it will always be there with me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Always there, wherever I look</div><div>Always there, running through my brain,</div><div>Always there, among others I see</div><div>Always there, but never me</div><div>Yet.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-81752027283842513802021-11-23T07:15:00.000-08:002021-11-23T07:15:05.352-08:00hopeless<p> Warning - this post is going to be filled with anger, hate, despair, etc so I would avoid if you are looking for an inspirational feel-good post here.</p><p>Recently my therapist told me to use the blog to express my anger, depression, etc. so I feel like using that this morning. I recently wrote about how I felt like I have gotten to a stage in my life where I am ready to open a door, well I did open it only to find it slammed fast right back into my face.</p><p>I am so so tired of living with gender dysphoria, feeling like as a fake and hating my fucking body. There's nothing else that I can do to change that without exploding everything I care about so this means there's nothing else I can do. End of road. Finale.</p><p>I am going to have to deal with this mistake that I am - I can't look into the mirror and today I felt disgusted looking at old family photos containing me. I am cutting, thinking about suicide and righting final notes in case I get too far and can't return back. No I never do anything so no worry there. Even with suicide I am a failure.</p><p>How can you hate your life so g-d bad yet not want to change because you love the others you are surrounded by. How can you be so pathetic and hurt and cry and not want to do anything about it. How can you feel like the biggest fucking mistake in the whole fucking world?</p><p>I don't know but that's me. I am a fraud, I am worthless, I am a failure, a mistake, a totally waste of oxygen and resources and don't deserve anything more. I don't know what to do I am cutting myself and watching the blood run down my arm and feel nothing. </p><p>I am hopeless.</p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-77854663090988122982021-11-16T07:25:00.002-08:002021-11-16T07:25:50.021-08:00hand on the door...<p> Hello blog,</p><p>While some weeks may be kinda of boring, my last week was everything but that it seemed. I am still trying to pick up the pieces of where I crashed and landed in the ER under suicide observation and fully appreciate some of the high points where I had more intense discussions about my gender dysphoria with my loved ones that I have in a really really long time.</p><p>That demon of self-hate, feelings of worthlessness, being a fraud got the better of me as I keep going down a slope of self harm here. My wrists do not look pretty but it is not from wanting to kill myself but from me not wanting to exist. I know that does not make logically sense but while I feel at times the world would be better if I wasn't around, I am not really able to take the steps necessary to completely remove myself. I know this thinking is a disease that I have and I need to keep working on that but it is a weak pattern I seem to fall back into at times. I am currently looking for help but finding that with the stressed out mental health system this is not as easy to find these days. </p><p>After all this chaos though my wife and I had some serious conversations and acceptance that my gender dysphoria is never going to go away as long as I continue with 2 lives. This meant that I had to admit some of my secrets to her, and now that I have spoken them out loud they seem to have a different life to them. I am still thinking of talking with an endocrinologist next week about starting HRT to improve my mental state, but not sure what else I want from that.</p><p>All this stress and confusion seems to have gotten me to budge a little bit towards some path, but right now I feel like I have my handle on a doorknob and not really sure what I will find on the other side of the doorway. I am hoping I have the strength to open it finally and walk through but next few weeks will be a big step towards that. </p><p>I wish I had a crystal ball to see what lies ahead. I am scared and afraid and need to tighten my seat belt for what comes next. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-9233930957430796462021-11-08T07:32:00.001-08:002021-11-08T07:32:27.222-08:00Explaining dysphoria<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheDi3U1EgUU0IZ5h7j656IWJwY8XPDTyX8eKIznr5IYA3SRnVC1ZTowH4mSgFb7NU9umi1JX7aXmXhZYDGzxb8WJaaPqb6RxhjLGR2fgcSe-LJ1IWNvqLHiHc_0smZ3KksIXxRnGv0Q9w/s2048/IMG_3085.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1101" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheDi3U1EgUU0IZ5h7j656IWJwY8XPDTyX8eKIznr5IYA3SRnVC1ZTowH4mSgFb7NU9umi1JX7aXmXhZYDGzxb8WJaaPqb6RxhjLGR2fgcSe-LJ1IWNvqLHiHc_0smZ3KksIXxRnGv0Q9w/s320/IMG_3085.jpg" width="172" /></a></div><br />How do you explain dysphoria to someone? I have been pondering that question here as I have been battling what feels like overwhelming urges and wanting to share it with my loved ones. <div><br /></div><div> Logically this all does not make any sense. When I am in male mode I can hardly handle looking at pictures of myself or looking at my body in the mirror brings up a nauseous feeling. When I take that same body and add some female clothes, wig and makeup I suddenly can't seem to stop looking at myself and want to take selfies of me smiling. It's the same body, same brain, same everything but with a little different window dressing. </div><div><br /></div><div>Lately I have been obsessing over the amount of testosterone in my body and really craving to start t-blockers and estrogen again. I feel the roughness of my skin, my hair stubble, my body fat and feel paralyzed by these emotions - I can shave and add lotions and tweeze but it never seems to ever be enough. Again, these thoughts in my brain must look illogical to any outside observer. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have gone through this rationalization a million times and told myself I need to accept the natural situation and yet I am here resisting that idea again today. My loved ones can't understand why I having trouble with this fact and when they tell me they love my male body I feel aggravated at that statement. I feel like I have lost hope that they will have an open mind and try to understand things from my perspective so I question my feelings as being wrong. I will continue to hide because this is the path of least friction but crumble away inside as I do this. </div><div><br /></div><div> I wish I could make people understand. Or maybe they are all right and then I wish I could understand and accept. I just don't know anymore these days.
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-18365139124226578962021-10-29T09:21:00.001-07:002021-10-29T09:21:15.908-07:00Wearing a maskAs Halloween is coming up this weekend, it makes me think of the fun people have
with costumes. It's fun to have one night a year where you go out in public to
appear and to pretend to be someone different. Knowing this is all make believe
and having fun playing the part with others. <div><br /></div><div>But what if your life is opposite -
and instead daily you wear a costume that doesn't feel like you. That is how I
feel inside and let me tell you it sucks. I feel trapped in a costume because
that is what I am supposed to do. I feel trapped in a costume because that
causes less conflict in others and doesn't bring pain to my loved ones. I feel
trapped in a costume because I am afraid what will happen if I show my true
self. I feel trapped in a costume because, because, well because I keep making
excuses. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't look forward to Halloween anymore because it just reminds me
that I fake and pretend to be every day of my life. I feel that pressure to be
and to pretend is getting too much sometimes and tell myself I am going to make
a change and then avoid things. I hope that somedays I can put down the charade or learn how to live better with both sides of me. </div><div><br /></div><div>These are my hopes for today and tomorrow. <br />Hugs ~ Jaclyn</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-50387895370482946172021-10-26T08:49:00.002-07:002021-10-26T10:09:23.561-07:00Poem - In between <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-d1sNx4hd0LdXRG5ZKZmRyWQ4V9ZtXLTdjCFquPXyUA7BWEd1pS9Nqtrx30h2stZGyFWOtsC-ghpmqwLsBgiD9STIfRLnyq3qtDLz2vYrOlnAowuLCXZZEty40kTAMhM7NaTWN9HJX2g/s0/stuck+between+poem.JPG" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="308" data-original-width="273" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-d1sNx4hd0LdXRG5ZKZmRyWQ4V9ZtXLTdjCFquPXyUA7BWEd1pS9Nqtrx30h2stZGyFWOtsC-ghpmqwLsBgiD9STIfRLnyq3qtDLz2vYrOlnAowuLCXZZEty40kTAMhM7NaTWN9HJX2g/s0/stuck+between+poem.JPG"/></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-51514282383012915282021-10-22T09:55:00.000-07:002021-10-22T09:55:21.088-07:00Following my heartHello Blog,
As probably most people who question their identity, I have been wrestling with lots of existential questions in my wee little brain lately. It kinda of started with me wondering why I dislike my body and appearance so much and how the simple fact of changing clothes seems to alleviate these feelings. Why does putting on makeup allow me to take photos of myself or look in the mirror where I would loathe these acts without it - am I hiding with a mask from the outside world and needing the freedom of the disguise? These painful questions kind of lead to the heart of my gender confusion and happiness, are these behaviors folly and I should be able to just "get over them" or do I need to accept this and follow my heart to truly be happy?
Following the heart seems to be an outcome that I keep coming back to over and over again. As someone that deals with logical analysis every day, this is a very hard thing for my mind to comprehend. How does one follow his/her heart and follow their dreams? What does that really mean in real life?
Once again I feel like I am a point with several different paths branching off. I have gone down a few of them a bit but then lose courage come running back to the start. Nothing in my life is a straight line and I do need support both virtually and physically to move anywhere. I know what's in my heart but my mind still refuses to follow. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb5o7vWLIhWmENMB1XFblspfmCLvygEGFr9wpxptLiVeb-flrtAameFqWX8NZOBFZ8eyK60TDHCDI6jx3cKd6n6ZsQac4duH0NZwubzvM4Xvv5Wi-AbvOvNeJ4uMmsQVKiTP0_w7haM8/s2048/IMG_3082.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" height="320" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1539" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb5o7vWLIhWmENMB1XFblspfmCLvygEGFr9wpxptLiVeb-flrtAameFqWX8NZOBFZ8eyK60TDHCDI6jx3cKd6n6ZsQac4duH0NZwubzvM4Xvv5Wi-AbvOvNeJ4uMmsQVKiTP0_w7haM8/s320/IMG_3082.jpg"/></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-51411743193626868092021-10-16T07:04:00.001-07:002021-10-16T07:07:10.481-07:00cost of being authenticLike many confused individuals stuck halfway in the gender spectrum, I have been doing lots of researching and reading stories of others to try to figure things out. One of the central themes that seem to arise from those who transition is the acceptance in one's identity and the following joy in realizing an authenthic life. This is a very big sentence and for some (like me), this can take a lifetime to achieve. I still question my self identity as it seems fluid right now and working hard to be ok with that. I think when I come clean and can speak the truth out loud without any worry of ramifications I do confess that my identity is that of Jaclyn. Someday perhaps I can change this hushed whisper to a loud scream but that is another story for another day.
Once understanding one's self-identity, the next logical step of course is to take steps to start living life that way. I have started and stopped that so many times and this is where I currently wonder what I need to do to keep down the path. Maybe because my professional life is in business I tend to relate these decisions on a cost - benefit basis or whatever, but I think what is stopping me is that seemingly high cost of being authentic.
I keep weighing and analyzing these costs - cost of losing friends, cost of losing family, cost of losing employment, cost of losing safe places to stay, potential cost of losing everything about my life I have ever known. And those are the physical things, I also know there is a huge emotional cost for taking everything and everyone in one's world and turning it upside down.
I know speaking with my therapist and reading about this that all these costs may not come true and I am looking at the worst case scorch the earth scenario. I know that some friends and family will accept and understand and be supportive and the world is much different than it was 30-40 years ago when I was coming of age in a very conservative backward area. But I also would be foolish not to expect a significant loss and a huge emotional toll coming out to others and pursuing an authentic life.
On the other hand, there is the joy of being authentic and all the positive aspects with that. I know that alot of the losses from coming out would be made up with new friends, supportive family, accepting new environments etc. I can't fathom that joy of waking up some day and just being me, looking in the mirror and feeling that I am not wrong and feeling natural as Jaclyn throughout the day without thinking about having to go back. Maybe even one day the joy of having gender confirming surgery and looking at my naked body without disgust and disdain.
So I guess what I have to decide is when my inner turmoil and pain is too much that it outweighs any cost of being authentic. When do I get to that moment when I say I can't take it anymore and it is something that I need to do. How do I overcome those self-doubts and worries and not lose momentum when I do start. And what is the end goal that I want to achieve or does it matter and I should just see where I end up? These are the heavy questions on my mind evey freaking day and night andsince I can't get any answers to them, I remain frozen in place. That is not an acceptable answer as each circle back and forth only seems to lead me deeper into depression and feeling of hopelessness.
I am hoping that writing out all these thoughts today will help me make some progress. I don't know if it will or what tomorrow brings. At the present today I am just going to try to make peace with things and hope for the best. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-61599455657398971172021-10-07T08:05:00.001-07:002021-10-07T08:05:03.757-07:00wave of feelingsGood morning blog,
I feel like in my life I go through periods where I can deny my true self and then there are times that all I can think about is how I can become the real me. I am in the latter phase right now and feel like there is a wave of feelings coming that I am powerless to fight anymore.
I have been obsessing over my looks recently - brows, hips, nose, etc. and dreaming of ways to improve them. I haev been dressing regularly again and really am tempted to start investigating hrt and transition plans. I have no support network or way to do this but I currently can only think of it. My brain is getting tired resisting my heart and once I can truly make it believe that I am a woman then I don't think I can turn back again.
I need help. I'm not sure what if anything I will do but can't concentrate on anything else.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-49558877403218361482021-10-01T11:38:00.002-07:002021-10-01T11:38:39.598-07:00In a fog<p>Welcome October.</p><p>Its strange that time seems to slip away so fast and keeps going faster each year. I am still struggling with my personal fog of gender identity and this seems to preoccupy most of my free thoughts and time here. </p><p>In my heart, I feel that need to transition and become genuine and stop hiding but my brain keeps questioning if that is what I want and can handle. I am trying and trying but I feel like the world keeps making less sense to me.</p><p>I'm trying the therapy route again and telling myself to be honest and commit to that, but I fret that I will give up before accomplishing anything. Those clouds of despair and self-loathing are returning and I am fighting them but how do you stop a cloud that seeps in everywhere?</p><p>I appreciate this blog as I place to write and communicate but I sure miss having some friends in real life. There are so many questions and anxious worries in my head today, I could use that shoulder for crying. I am gonna imagine that and let those tears loose. I hope that helps and pulls me through. I have been starting to think of writing some more, here's the beginning of a current prose.</p><p>I wake up, get up, move around </p><p>Lost in my head there's fog all around </p><p>I want things to be different but I don't </p><p>I wish I was with people but alone</p><p>This fog has me confused from what's real to me</p><p>Think I am a mistake or wired the wrong way</p><p>I should be happy for fortunes but would give them all away</p><p>Just for the moment of clarity</p><p>A moment of peace and contentment</p><p>A moment that my head and heart agree for once</p><p>A moment to shut out all the noise.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4053590918164196487.post-16693678579284243382021-09-24T15:08:00.001-07:002021-09-24T15:08:11.356-07:00Status check<p> Hello blog,</p><p>I know it has been awhile but I have been avoiding this as I have been most anything in my life that deals with Jaclyn. Frankly after my first failed attempt at transition and suicide attempt I had tried to destroy and remove anything in my world that dealt with my female identity. I have struggled and hurt and drawn further and further within myself these past few years, but that of course is a battle I cannot win. </p><p>I really don't know right now where I am, where I am headed or what I really want to be. Wouldn't it be nice just to have a quick blood or some other type of test and determine this? Dunno, all I do know is that I feel up and down and most things inside of me are 180 degrees opposite of what I appear as.</p><p>I have started trying to find a new therapist to discuss and as usual there seem to be few that are either comfortable, knowledgeable or able to understand what living with GD feels like. I am going to keep trying and feel like I need to determine what I am and what I really want first before doing anything else. I feel alone and scared and can use all the support and love as I enter/return to step one once again.</p><p>Why does it always feel like I go in circles? I wish I really knew. </p><p>Hugs,<br />Jaclyn </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6