Wearing a mask

As Halloween is coming up this weekend, it makes me think of the fun people have with costumes. It's fun to have one night a year where you go out in public to appear and to pretend to be someone different. Knowing this is all make believe and having fun playing the part with others. 

But what if your life is opposite - and instead daily you wear a costume that doesn't feel like you. That is how I feel inside and let me tell you it sucks. I feel trapped in a costume because that is what I am supposed to do. I feel trapped in a costume because that causes less conflict in others and doesn't bring pain to my loved ones. I feel trapped in a costume because I am afraid what will happen if I show my true self. I feel trapped in a costume because, because, well because I keep making excuses. 

I don't look forward to Halloween anymore because it just reminds me that I fake and pretend to be every day of my life. I feel that pressure to be and to pretend is getting too much sometimes and tell myself I am going to make a change and then avoid things.  I hope that somedays I can put down the charade or learn how to live better with both sides of me.  

These are my hopes for today and tomorrow.   
Hugs ~ Jaclyn

Poem - In between

Following my heart

Hello Blog, As probably most people who question their identity, I have been wrestling with lots of existential questions in my wee little brain lately. It kinda of started with me wondering why I dislike my body and appearance so much and how the simple fact of changing clothes seems to alleviate these feelings. Why does putting on makeup allow me to take photos of myself or look in the mirror where I would loathe these acts without it - am I hiding with a mask from the outside world and needing the freedom of the disguise? These painful questions kind of lead to the heart of my gender confusion and happiness, are these behaviors folly and I should be able to just "get over them" or do I need to accept this and follow my heart to truly be happy? Following the heart seems to be an outcome that I keep coming back to over and over again. As someone that deals with logical analysis every day, this is a very hard thing for my mind to comprehend. How does one follow his/her heart and follow their dreams? What does that really mean in real life? Once again I feel like I am a point with several different paths branching off. I have gone down a few of them a bit but then lose courage come running back to the start. Nothing in my life is a straight line and I do need support both virtually and physically to move anywhere. I know what's in my heart but my mind still refuses to follow.

cost of being authentic

Like many confused individuals stuck halfway in the gender spectrum, I have been doing lots of researching and reading stories of others to try to figure things out. One of the central themes that seem to arise from those who transition is the acceptance in one's identity and the following joy in realizing an authenthic life. This is a very big sentence and for some (like me), this can take a lifetime to achieve. I still question my self identity as it seems fluid right now and working hard to be ok with that. I think when I come clean and can speak the truth out loud without any worry of ramifications I do confess that my identity is that of Jaclyn. Someday perhaps I can change this hushed whisper to a loud scream but that is another story for another day. Once understanding one's self-identity, the next logical step of course is to take steps to start living life that way. I have started and stopped that so many times and this is where I currently wonder what I need to do to keep down the path. Maybe because my professional life is in business I tend to relate these decisions on a cost - benefit basis or whatever, but I think what is stopping me is that seemingly high cost of being authentic. I keep weighing and analyzing these costs - cost of losing friends, cost of losing family, cost of losing employment, cost of losing safe places to stay, potential cost of losing everything about my life I have ever known. And those are the physical things, I also know there is a huge emotional cost for taking everything and everyone in one's world and turning it upside down. I know speaking with my therapist and reading about this that all these costs may not come true and I am looking at the worst case scorch the earth scenario. I know that some friends and family will accept and understand and be supportive and the world is much different than it was 30-40 years ago when I was coming of age in a very conservative backward area. But I also would be foolish not to expect a significant loss and a huge emotional toll coming out to others and pursuing an authentic life. On the other hand, there is the joy of being authentic and all the positive aspects with that. I know that alot of the losses from coming out would be made up with new friends, supportive family, accepting new environments etc. I can't fathom that joy of waking up some day and just being me, looking in the mirror and feeling that I am not wrong and feeling natural as Jaclyn throughout the day without thinking about having to go back. Maybe even one day the joy of having gender confirming surgery and looking at my naked body without disgust and disdain. So I guess what I have to decide is when my inner turmoil and pain is too much that it outweighs any cost of being authentic. When do I get to that moment when I say I can't take it anymore and it is something that I need to do. How do I overcome those self-doubts and worries and not lose momentum when I do start. And what is the end goal that I want to achieve or does it matter and I should just see where I end up? These are the heavy questions on my mind evey freaking day and night andsince I can't get any answers to them, I remain frozen in place. That is not an acceptable answer as each circle back and forth only seems to lead me deeper into depression and feeling of hopelessness. I am hoping that writing out all these thoughts today will help me make some progress. I don't know if it will or what tomorrow brings. At the present today I am just going to try to make peace with things and hope for the best.

wave of feelings

Good morning blog, I feel like in my life I go through periods where I can deny my true self and then there are times that all I can think about is how I can become the real me. I am in the latter phase right now and feel like there is a wave of feelings coming that I am powerless to fight anymore. I have been obsessing over my looks recently - brows, hips, nose, etc. and dreaming of ways to improve them. I haev been dressing regularly again and really am tempted to start investigating hrt and transition plans. I have no support network or way to do this but I currently can only think of it. My brain is getting tired resisting my heart and once I can truly make it believe that I am a woman then I don't think I can turn back again. I need help. I'm not sure what if anything I will do but can't concentrate on anything else.

In a fog

Welcome October.

Its strange that time seems to slip away so fast and keeps going faster each year.   I am still struggling with my personal fog of gender identity and this seems to preoccupy most of my free thoughts and time here.  

In my heart, I feel that need to transition and become genuine and stop hiding but my brain keeps questioning if that is what I want and can handle.  I am trying and trying but I feel like the world keeps making less sense to me.

I'm trying the therapy route again and telling myself to be honest and commit to that, but I fret that I will give up before accomplishing anything. Those clouds of despair and self-loathing are returning and I am fighting them but how do you stop a cloud that seeps in everywhere?

I appreciate this blog as I place to write and communicate but I sure miss having some friends in real life.  There are so many questions and anxious worries in my head today, I could use that shoulder for crying.  I am gonna imagine that and let those tears loose.  I hope that helps and pulls me through.  I have been starting to think of writing some more, here's the beginning of a current prose.

I wake up, get up, move around 

Lost in my head there's fog all around 

I want things to be different but I don't 

I wish I was with people but alone

This fog has me confused from what's real to me

Think I am a mistake or wired the wrong way

I should be happy for fortunes but would give them all away

Just for the moment of clarity

A moment of peace and contentment

A moment that my head and heart agree for once

A moment to shut out all the noise.