Tuesday, October 17, 2017

my depression

For those people who do not question our gender and suffer from depression, I'd like to let you know that it really sucks.  No this blog is not going to be a long winded ranting about poor me, but rather I'd like to write about the hell I experience on a daily basis trying to cope with my depression.

Lately the depression side of me seems to be winning as I have had a hard time trying to tune it out. No matter what meds or therapy (yes I am sought out our traditional western medicine to no avail), I still feel like shit more days than not.  Its one of those things that I just can't get over it and I find myself not really interested in doing much of anything and questioning why I even try.  I wonder often what is so mentally wrong with me when I look at going down a flight of stairs not really just a method to get where I want but rather an opportunity to do a header and try and land and snap my neck.   I know that some people may say the reason I am depressed is that I am spending all this energy on a daily basis to try and be someone else but I think if I removed my gender issues I would still be depressed.  I wish there could be someone I could talk to but how do you approach someone to tell them you fell totally empty and not even sure why you are even bothering at anything anymore.   I think this falls into that uncomfortable category that you know most people would more like to talk about weather, sports, theather, politics, etc.

I just don't know where to turn or how to keep going on these days.  Depression sucks.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

pondering decisions

Dear blog,

We all make important decisions in life and many of these I have found in my experience that I often reflect upon and question if they are correct.  Lately in my wee head I have ruminating on these more and more and not finding much clarity.

The one I have been most thinking about lately has been the one a few months ago to stop HRT and to assess if this is the right direction for me.  In particular I have been wondering about the impact these hormones had upon my inherent happiness.

Of course I can look at the destruction spiral that I went on upon stopping and easily state that it was a bad decision.  There were unanswered questions at that time I was grappling with and still am.  I can say that I feel any further towards answering these or even being able to articulate them.  While my mental brain grapples with these, I have been trying to pair things down to my physical feelings.

At the root of these, I keep returning to that euphoric feeling that seemed to overcane me with each dosage.  It didn't happen right away, but soon afterwards it felt each day like the noise of the outside world would be dissaparate as if I was sinking into a warm bath to escape the troubles and chaos all around me.  At the time I told myself that these feelings were just mental and my wishing, but lately I have been thinking that perhaps this was physical body feeling like it was finally aligning with the right mental one. It is a hard feeling to really describe to someone who has not experienced this, and I have been missing this feeling very badly lately.  I also miss those gentle pangs I would feel in my breasts and feel a little bit on the desperate side to get them back.

I wish I knew the right feelings and was able to understand the right decisions for me. Right now, I just don't know or at least I do and don't let myself admit to it.


Monday, June 12, 2017

happiness is?

Hello blog,
Today is not a happy day for me.
Actually when I think of the definition of happy, most of the time I don't think I would classify myself at being anywhere near as what the definition may show as the picture of happiness.
This thought is depressing and makes me wonder just what I need to be happy.
To be loved and accepted by others? To feel part of a larger family/community and free to be myself? To represent myself as Jaclyn and transition to a world which only knows me as she?
I really don't know. I know I could answer yes to some/many/all of these questions above at times in my past but I don't think they have provided me with a magical path to happiness.
I know in a clinical sense there is something with dopamine and anti-depressants that when you find the correct mix you are supposed to have some "awakening" experience and feel better inside.
I have tried many of these wonder pills and have yet to experience that.
I just wonder if I don't really have the capacity to be happy at all.  Is that possible and is that ok?
I think I want to be happy and try to be but do I sabotage myself on purpose or am I really just not able to feel this emotion?  I know that I can feel sadness and pain and really those are overcoming me more and more these days.
So maybe I just don't want to be happy in reality.  That feels sad and depressing but yet is a comfortable state that I am used to being in.
Can I be discomfortably happy?  How do I go about doing this?
I dunno. I wish I did but I am feeling the opposite of happy - hopelessness - right now.