Monday, June 12, 2017

happiness is?

Hello blog,
Today is not a happy day for me.
Actually when I think of the definition of happy, most of the time I don't think I would classify myself at being anywhere near as what the definition may show as the picture of happiness.
This thought is depressing and makes me wonder just what I need to be happy.
To be loved and accepted by others? To feel part of a larger family/community and free to be myself? To represent myself as Jaclyn and transition to a world which only knows me as she?
I really don't know. I know I could answer yes to some/many/all of these questions above at times in my past but I don't think they have provided me with a magical path to happiness.
I know in a clinical sense there is something with dopamine and anti-depressants that when you find the correct mix you are supposed to have some "awakening" experience and feel better inside.
I have tried many of these wonder pills and have yet to experience that.
I just wonder if I don't really have the capacity to be happy at all.  Is that possible and is that ok?
I think I want to be happy and try to be but do I sabotage myself on purpose or am I really just not able to feel this emotion?  I know that I can feel sadness and pain and really those are overcoming me more and more these days.
So maybe I just don't want to be happy in reality.  That feels sad and depressing but yet is a comfortable state that I am used to being in.
Can I be discomfortably happy?  How do I go about doing this?
I dunno. I wish I did but I am feeling the opposite of happy - hopelessness - right now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Weekend thoughts

Hello Blog,

As the memorial day holiday in the US is almost here, I've started to reflect a little bit on my personal history.  Its almost hard to believe that 4 years ago I finally had enough of the hiding and pretending to come out to my wife about my gender dsyphoria and start talking about it with others.

I have made some small steps since that time but I feel like my progress has been glacial at times.  Most of the time has been a struggle of acceptance, by her, by others, by myself and that has gone in circles at times.   Being trans is not an easy thing and once you start realizing that perhaps your physical and mental gender differ is a total mind warp there.  Often I still wake up wishing that my stupid dna would have aligned these together but that is me being a victim thinking.  After all my years of self-reflection, I have come to the point to just say it is as it is and now just just trying to figure out what to do with it.

Which is probably somewhat where I was 4 years ago.  Damn, do glaciers move painfully slowly sometimes.

The point I still find myself being stuck upon is if I can exist straddling two different worlds and keep it all together.  I've read many blogs and books saying that this is not possible so I wonder why I keep trying to solve an unsolvable problem here.  I am going to start attending some trans events again but this time going with my wife's knowledge rather than sneaking around.  I worry that this may not be enough as I still hurt each time I have to re-dress afterwards and leave that happy world behind.  I know that is probably a big red sign telling me to stop trying to have it both ways, but I guess I am too old and too dumb to know any other one at this time.

Life is so hard some times, I hope that I can make mine easier someday soon.


Thursday, May 11, 2017

Reconciling my spiritual side

Good morning blog,

During the past few months, the one thing my forced vacation has seemed to provided to me is a lot of time for self-reflection.  Today this self-reflection is around what I would consider my spiritual journey.

I have probably spent the majority of my time over the past few years with the physical aspects of my being - they way I look or don't look and how to present myself in a way that makes me feel good.  What I haven't spent much time with is on my emotional or spiritual side.

Now I grew up in a very religious repressive environment so naturally when I think of the word spirituality I naturally become negative.   Talking with my therapist this week made me start to think of this in a different way.  I'm trying to think of my spirituality instead of in the formal religious aspect but as have I feel complete inside.  Its really a different way for me to connect so I'll try to make some sense in my ramblings here.

I know inside that I feel more female than male but instead of thinking of things in two genders I'm trying to think of myself as one whole, and some smashup of feelings and emotions of both.  I am starting to realize that regardless of which physical gender I present myself with, I have both male and female thoughts, feelings and emotions inside.  And that is ok.   It is just me and whom I am.

Now the real tricky and difficult part is accepting and being comfortable with myself regardless of what gender most perceive.  Our environment reacts to our physical appearance, I would get strange looks if I tried to present as male and showed up to work with painted nails for instance.  What I have to reconcile is feeling content and happy with myself regardless of how my nails look and any other physical traits.   I realize that I was not born to be able to blend into a female appearance naturally and do not have limitless resources to achieve this, and if I do transition someday I will still always have some 'maleness' no matter how hard I try to remove all traces of this.  I need to find more of the spiritual strength inside to accept this and to accept who I am - with all my faults along with all my good qualities.

Do we need to lose oneself in order to find ourself along this journey here?  I feel like I have done a lot of work and still have a lot of work to go in order to get rid of all my preconceived feelings about me to get down to my core being.  Is this the key that once I have gotten rid of all the distractions that I can figure out what is really important and make some healthy steps forward to achieving a complete me inside and out?

I am not really sure about most of this, but I do feel that I need to feel content about myself in order to make a change forward or I may be always doubting what step I'm taking.