Tuesday, May 8, 2018

the wall

Hello blog,

Today is a rough day as I am facing down alot of self-doubts and fears today.  I have been wondering and self-questioning my transition, trying to understand if I am headed in the right direction and if I will ever get things to a point where I'll feel comfortable as passable.

If feels as if I have reached a wall here.

I have been thinking of the tv series American Ninja warrior and their iconic wall that competitors have to face and run up it to overcome the last obstacle in one of their courses.  I feel as if I am facing that wall right now and running up and sliding down it.

The last time I got to this place, I backed away and went down a destructive path.  I don't want to do that again this time.

I am hoping that I get over this wall, to date this feels like a big obstacle and perhaps I need a hand from above to hoist me over. Here I go running at it again, wish me luck ....

Hugs, Jaclyn

Friday, May 4, 2018

checking in

Good morning blog,

Next week marks month 2 on my hrt restart and things seem to start to be happening much faster this time.  I had a checkup with the clinic this week and my levels look good - where we want them for T and my E coming close to 100.  The only adjustment will be to boost my daily estrogen supplement by 2 mg and I have started that already.  Otherwise, medically things are proceeding rather well.

On the emotional side, the amazing speed of the changes makes me feel the reckoning point is fast approaching if not past.

I'm not a big fan of roller coasters since I am not a risk taker, but when I was much younger I remember riding some of those old-fashioned wooden rickety ones.  As you went up the first hill, the clink-clink-clink of the chain would always raise the anxiety level of the big dips and hills ahead.  I sort of today feel like I am on that roller coaster car with the clinking in my ears and hoping that my seatbelt is fastened tight enough for the big hill I am ascending.  I had a long discussion about hormones with my wife last night and discussions of the future lie ahead for this weekend I'm sure.

I hope that I am ready for this fast ride.  It is going to be scary, exhilarating and full of ups and downs ahead.  I don't like roller coasters much, so I hope I can handle this ride.


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Hiding in plain sight

Hello blog,

Today I feel invisible or at least seem that way somedays when I think of myself as Jaclyn.  I often wonder each day what my day would really be like if I actually had the courage to live as Jaclyn.  I know that instead of the safe and comfy days I have now, things would be so much harder, maybe lonelier and perhaps even a bit sadder at times.  But I still wish each day for this and as I start my journey find myself more and more imagining that I am getting closer to that.  I believe that others have this feeling as well in the community, but until I can fully commit to this I feel like a prisioner of sorts.  At least that is what I am thinking of when I wrote this poem today:

Hiding in plain sight
Always hiding here in plain sight,
Making sure no one else can see,
Maintaining a safety net that I loathe,
A security cushion surrounding me.
Can't give up this charade, have to play the part,
For this hand I'm dealt,
Although each day hurts more and more inside,
I'm incapable to move apart.
I strive each day for some normalcy,
And find no place left to hide,
Know that freedom is found within few words,
While my prison I lock myself inside.
It's been safer in there than to be out,
Or taking chances as the true me,
How long I can remain I don't know the answer,
And yearn so bad to be free.
Today I don't have strength yet to take this step,
Today I don't have courage yet so I will fake,
Today I will continue to hide in plain sight,
Until at last I take a stand and fight,
And let the true me be finally free.

I continue to pass others and wonder if they have any idea what goes on in my head.  I am sure they don't and wonder their reaction if I did fully come out.  I am hoping for that day someday, but for today I will have to continue in my little own world locked inside here.