Thursday, June 14, 2018

Next steps

Hello blog -
Yesterday marked an anniversary of sorts for me as it was 5 years ago to the day that I officially came out as Jaclyn to my wife and started to accept being transgender.

These 5 years have had highs and lows and I would be lying if I understood the progress or lack thereof I may have had.  It still all is very confusing to me and I wonder where my next steps will lead me.These are the thoughts that have been keeping me awake over the past several nights pondering.

I don't know how to really express the feeling but I feel like I need to do something and take action and that is disconcerting at best.  I don't like that feeling but I also don't like the feeling like I am being stuck as well.  It may be time to fully commit to transitioning to Jaclyn, but the prospect of losing all that I have is daunting.

Besides that concern, I feel lost in what comes next.  I wish there was a transition recipe that I could follow that would guide me through each of these steps because I am so lost here.  There are so many worries (big & small) about how I present, how I interact, how I live as a full-time woman that I have no clue about. I wish I had a big sister to lean on here but I think waiting for that to appear would be like waiting forever. 

There is just so much that I don't know but I feel like slipping further to insanity if I keep going over and over in my head with all the what ifs and not taking at least an honest attempt ahead.

I need some strength and courage and appreciate having this outlet to lay out my thoughts no matter how rambling and incoherent they may be.  I need some help to carry on.  I pray I will find it.


Friday, May 25, 2018

coming out thoughts

Hello blog,

Winding down to the end of a busy week and getting ready for another holiday weekend here. There have been alot of thoughts running through my wee brain lately and I will try to use this as an outlet here.

Starting with I finally attended my first support group this past week.  It was a nice change from the usual solitary therapy to talk with other trans individuals, and I will say it felt nice to somewhat fit into a group for a change.   I spent most of that time being quiet and listening as my anxiety was at its peak, and have been reflecting on these topics for the past few days.  The one that seems to stick out the most was around 'coming out' and what that really means.

For me personally, I do not consider myself as fully out - that is there are a small handful of people that know me in both genders but majority of those that matter to me in this world do not yet.  I've had alot of this discussion with my wife to try and gauge what that means and to me that I am not out means that I haven't fully accepted myself here.  I mean I know that I am trans, I imagine a life that I could live as Jaclyn but I still have fears of acceptance with work, with friends, with other family members.  I guess I am not sure that I can pull a life of as Jaclyn, so instead I choose right now a non-authentic one but one that would have far less scrutiny from others.  The biggest one that I worry about is what living authentic would do for my immediate family.

My wife has already told me that she would leave so that would mean a complete different relationship with my daughter.   I cannot imagine not being around for her to grow up and not living with her would tear a big hole inside of me.  So I feel at a loss here, try to stall and forget the feelings inside of moving closer to being authentic or be true and search for my own life and hurt from not being with my family.

I feel that I have reached a point where I have to make a decision here on coming out, trying to push forward to be authentic and not really sure what that means.  Its not like there is a guidebook or others close to me to support that decision or tell me what to expect and do.  It feels like the world is starting to spin out of control and I have a loose grip on the wheel.


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

the wall

Hello blog,

Today is a rough day as I am facing down alot of self-doubts and fears today.  I have been wondering and self-questioning my transition, trying to understand if I am headed in the right direction and if I will ever get things to a point where I'll feel comfortable as passable.

If feels as if I have reached a wall here.

I have been thinking of the tv series American Ninja warrior and their iconic wall that competitors have to face and run up it to overcome the last obstacle in one of their courses.  I feel as if I am facing that wall right now and running up and sliding down it.

The last time I got to this place, I backed away and went down a destructive path.  I don't want to do that again this time.

I am hoping that I get over this wall, to date this feels like a big obstacle and perhaps I need a hand from above to hoist me over. Here I go running at it again, wish me luck ....

Hugs, Jaclyn