Thoughts of a failure:
Its been almost a dozen years since my coming out disaster and all the struggles and lately I have been feeling the failures of myself piling up like a large snow pile at the end of winter. The pile just seems to keep getting larger and larger and hope for it disappearing seems impossible at that time.
I've been thinking of all the self inflicted disasters that real or perceived I feel keep following me around. I feel like a real fraud, a drama queen, an epic failure.
In short I am not proud of myself and there is nothing worthwhile I feel inside of me. I write anonymously in my blog or in a diary because I can't even talk about how pathetic I feel to others without the amount of shame becoming all-consuming and stealing my voice. I am feeling so low right now typing out these words and knowing how pathetic I am.
So what else to do?
I've been trying to write and talk some more with my soul mate as sort of a second coming out of sorts. I am trying to apologize for how the first time I sprung all these surprises and made so many assumptions that someone else would understand and accept without shock, anger, sadness on what changes this would mean for our life together. I am trying to forgive some of the intense hurtful words and actions that came up as a reaction which is so hard to discern between what someone doesn't mean to say and what they really do feel during stressful times.
I want to apologize for the shame and disgust and self-loathing I feel each day and my failure in being able to move past this and accept the truth on what I am. I know that talking about these things makes life at home uncomfortable and really has no benefit. I am trying to detail in the letter how I hate myself so much more just having these feelings and when I dress or shave body hair or browse clothing and pretend to be something I am not, how much pain and hurt I cause myself and want to apologize to them.
I still think about suicide many times every single day as I way to escape and while it may hurt my family in the short term it would be less hurtful for them than the long-term humiliation of having a freak like me if word ever got out. Again, I am so sorry for being pathetic and weak and in so many ways not being what they need from me.
I've been trying to write out all of this and what to do about things and it just ends up in a whinny, nonsensical listing of all my failures and apologies for being me and I ball it up and toss it in the trash. I've tried and tried again here and I don't have any direction or logic or able to put things down in writing.
In other words, I feel like I am a failure at even describing how much of a failure I am.
I'm not writing this for any sympathy, I just feel beaten down to the point that there is no hope of things ever turning around.
I feel beaten down past the point where I can protest or logic past anymore.
I feel beaten down and numb for any hope of happiness and have given up.
I am ashamed at all of this because on the surface I have nothing to complain about, I am fortunate compared to so so many others out there in this world that may problems seem like nothing compared to what they deal with each day.
I know that my end will come at my hands and it is not a matter of if but rather a matter of how and when. This darkness is all my tunnel vision can see anymore and the thought seems more welcoming to me every day that I trudge along.
This probably will not be the end but another failure to add to my snow pile that will never melt. I am wishing for the frostbite so that I no longer have to feel the cold.
