Hello Blog,
As the memorial day holiday in the US is almost here, I've started to reflect a little bit on my personal history. Its almost hard to believe that 4 years ago I finally had enough of the hiding and pretending to come out to my wife about my gender dsyphoria and start talking about it with others.
I have made some small steps since that time but I feel like my progress has been glacial at times. Most of the time has been a struggle of acceptance, by her, by others, by myself and that has gone in circles at times. Being trans is not an easy thing and once you start realizing that perhaps your physical and mental gender differ is a total mind warp there. Often I still wake up wishing that my stupid dna would have aligned these together but that is me being a victim thinking. After all my years of self-reflection, I have come to the point to just say it is as it is and now just just trying to figure out what to do with it.
Which is probably somewhat where I was 4 years ago. Damn, do glaciers move painfully slowly sometimes.
The point I still find myself being stuck upon is if I can exist straddling two different worlds and keep it all together. I've read many blogs and books saying that this is not possible so I wonder why I keep trying to solve an unsolvable problem here. I am going to start attending some trans events again but this time going with my wife's knowledge rather than sneaking around. I worry that this may not be enough as I still hurt each time I have to re-dress afterwards and leave that happy world behind. I know that is probably a big red sign telling me to stop trying to have it both ways, but I guess I am too old and too dumb to know any other one at this time.
Life is so hard some times, I hope that I can make mine easier someday soon.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
The personal thoughts on the journey out of the closet and accepting myself as a proud transgender individual
Many people in you position have attempted to straddle the gender divide. The vast majority achieve some barely tolerable existence by engaging in pretty much the same avoidance and denial techniques as you have have been.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever heard the expression, "you can run but you can't hide"?
That is what you have been doing; running and attempting to hide. There is another well known saying. It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result: the definition of insanity.