drowning standing still

Good morning blog,

This is probably going to be a long-winded illogical entry today as so much is floating around in my head and I need some outlet to let things out.  It is rainy and stormy outside but yet that feels so much more sunnier than my disposition.

Yesterday I started with therapist #5 in the past year and a half and I am really getting tired of starting over.  I tried to screen and select her based on having some experience with gender issues and I do hope that I will feel like I get something out of it.  I think probably I have to be the worst patient for therapists as I have trouble trusting and really opening up to a stranger after some many years of hiding, and I am nervous that she wants to talk with my prior therapists and will drop me like a rock after that conversation. I am definitely not feeling well about myself here.

I guess the root of my issue is trying to reconcile my feelings inside with reality and expectations of others. I know the psychological speak that you need to do things for yourself and damn the world but honestly I have not meet anybody who truly follows that mantra to a t.

I guess I don't really know how to explain to someone that deep down inside I feel like I was a mistake and born male by accident.  I am not saying that I want to correct this as soon as possible (although I have wished often that I would have an accident or the opportunity to do so), but really I don't know what I want to be.  I love family and children and losing mine would utterly destroy me unlike anything else.  But I can't give up the need to dress and feel like I am a woman, there just is something that resonates inside of me so much when I look in a mirror or a picture that I just can't explain in words.

I mean it seems so much easier to the outside world if someone has a drug or drinking problem that they can go to rehab and through out their alcohol or avoid situations in the future.  But I just can't remove my 'addiction' as my last therapist told me - wherever I go have the population in the world is female and it is impossible as hard as I try to avoid that mirror that presents that nagging reminder of how ridiculous my mind works.  While I know I know nothing about being a woman and I will always be a total fake, I just can't seem to give up the high feeling of going shopping and coming home with a new blouse or putting on makeup and a wig looking in the mirror and feeling good.

And thus this the crossroads where I am today, yesterday, hell almost the last 40 something years on this planet.  I hate it. I am so miserable just being stuck here without any ability to change. I just can't, I've tried and tried and am so tired of trying anymore.  I am not strong, not brave like so many others and perhaps so pathetic as I wallow here is self-despair.

I need to give up Jaclyn but I cannot, I need to let Jaclyn free but I cannot do that either. It hurts and lumps in my throat as I feel I cannot keep things together in this facade of my life much longer. I sure wish I knew something sometime soon as I cannot keep dangling alone much longer.  I hope people will understand when I'm gone but I know that won't happen either.  I just don't know.