Thursday, February 26, 2015

I hate myself

Hello blog,

I continue to feel really down these days but since my therapist thought it would be good to write again I am adding another entry.  Despite how I feel that I just want to curl up and die somewhere anonymously I still don't have the strength to go quite through with the act. I can keep cutting myself and counting out sleeping pills but somewhere in the brain stem of my messed up head I stop just short each time.

I wish I had some resolution or some good news or a more positive outlook but I do not.  It's like being trans and knowing that I will continue to be this way no matter how many purges, denials and hours I spend trying to be what I am not.

So where am I at then? I don't really know and don't think I have made any progress and ashamed of that. I just feel so pathetic and empty and just ready to give up.

I hate myself so much it just hurts.

1 comment:

  1. You really scared me with your last post. I had just lost a dear friend's son. I'm guessing that you don't hate yourself, but you hate the body you were born in. Join the club. I have browsed through your blog and am guessing that it's family and/or wife that is keeping you from transitioning. Did you ever start on HRT? Someone as lovely as the girl I saw in your November post should not be counting out sleeping pills.

    Jacqueline, do you live in an area where there are others who share your frustration? I cannot begin to tell you how much my local friends have helped me to work out things. Write me if you wish.

    Calie (