Winding down to the end of a busy week and getting ready for another holiday weekend here. There have been alot of thoughts running through my wee brain lately and I will try to use this as an outlet here.
Starting with I finally attended my first support group this past week. It was a nice change from the usual solitary therapy to talk with other trans individuals, and I will say it felt nice to somewhat fit into a group for a change. I spent most of that time being quiet and listening as my anxiety was at its peak, and have been reflecting on these topics for the past few days. The one that seems to stick out the most was around 'coming out' and what that really means.
For me personally, I do not consider myself as fully out - that is there are a small handful of people that know me in both genders but majority of those that matter to me in this world do not yet. I've had alot of this discussion with my wife to try and gauge what that means and to me that I am not out means that I haven't fully accepted myself here. I mean I know that I am trans, I imagine a life that I could live as Jaclyn but I still have fears of acceptance with work, with friends, with other family members. I guess I am not sure that I can pull a life of as Jaclyn, so instead I choose right now a non-authentic one but one that would have far less scrutiny from others. The biggest one that I worry about is what living authentic would do for my immediate family.
My wife has already told me that she would leave so that would mean a complete different relationship with my daughter. I cannot imagine not being around for her to grow up and not living with her would tear a big hole inside of me. So I feel at a loss here, try to stall and forget the feelings inside of moving closer to being authentic or be true and search for my own life and hurt from not being with my family.
I feel that I have reached a point where I have to make a decision here on coming out, trying to push forward to be authentic and not really sure what that means. Its not like there is a guidebook or others close to me to support that decision or tell me what to expect and do. It feels like the world is starting to spin out of control and I have a loose grip on the wheel.