Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Good-bye forever...

Today marks the one month anniversary of my coming out and sadly to say this doesn't feel like a happy occasion.

I keep feeling darker and darker thoughts about myself and have started crying again at a level  near to my last breakdown before I started therapy with Barbra.  I am feeling anger and resentment toward my wife and she is starting to reciprocate these feelings back.  I worry that my daughter is starting to absorb some of the tension and anger in the household and I keep getting accused of shutting down and not telling my wife the truth.

But she can't handle the truth.  I feel like shouting this back to her but any action like this would be the last straw I suppose.  Of course I'm happy with myself and things are good - isn't that what she wants to hear?  Really I can't be further from this and more and more realize what a big mistake I am.  I wish so badly I wasn't born with this stupid penis, that I wasn't expected to be a man and that I could actually just be happy and start over as Jaclyn.  I hate this existence so much and am reminded by my wife how pre-pubescent and wrong I am trying to make myself appear.  She looks away with such disdain when she says things like I can't imagine you stuffing a bra or going outside like that and how wrong it all is.  Of course this is just because my parents messed me up, and has nothing to do with my true feelings.  I am trying so hard to contain all this in yet I feel I am getting close to explode again.  I don't know what to do but I see the train wreck ahead and can't find the brake.

Last night I didn't sleep much but stayed awake thinking about these things.  I foresee a big fight and resulting in me being kicked out of the house.  My wife hates me and my daughter will be angry at me going away.  There is noone left and frankly that is good in some aspects. I am so tired of pretending in this life and for being such a terrible failure.  I am going to kill myself this time and can't see any reason not to.  I am going to write some letters to my family to say goodbye and shoot some video to tell my daughter how much I love her when they go out of town in a few weeks.  I have the pills and the bottle picked out and it will be just a peaceful sleep and then no more pain.

This will probably be my last blog entry as I don't feel any better writing anymore.  I wish anyone that comes across this in the future that they have a better life than the torture that is mine.

Goodbye forever,

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