As the calendar comes to a close to 2013, I thought it would be time to look back and look forward on the chaotic year it was with me.
In terms of taking some fine heeled strides, this year has been an up-and-down one and at times an exercise in compltete confusion. Overall, I feel like I have not made all the progress I wanted, but I'll try not to beat myself up and remember things go slowly as my therapist tells me. You know from reading many other trans blogs and books out there, I see the once you decide something that you want to rush ahead and stop wasting another day behind pattern and would have to confess that I felt that way many times myself.
But what am I myself anyway? Frankly I'm tired of trying to classify that and rather trying to figure out more what I want to be. So anyways, enough of rambling and on to my recap.
I started out the year still feeling the need to come out and more and more built up my wardrobe. It was crazy what once was only a small collection seemed to almost multiple overnight as shopping always makes me feel good. And shoes, I have a weakness for something cute and never realized how much fun shoe shopping could be until I let go of jacki.
I worked on my hair and makeup, and after so many test drives around in safety, made that first adventure out in the scary world. Okay, so I went with another girlfriend and we went to safe LGBT section of town, but dammit it felt so nice to be out of the closet once. I'll remember two things from that night - (1.) looking around and realizing that the crowd was not sitting there staring back at me, and (2.) really needing badly to pee but being so deathly afraid of the bathroom that I sat there with my legs tightly crossed for the last half hour or so.
After finally conquering that fear, I could hardly wait to venture out and I felt that Jaclyn had left the closet never to return. Outfits continued and I found the time between these moments like struggling against the current, bobbing up to steal a quick moment or two to relax beforing having to suppress these instincts again. After setting up some many sessions and then chickening out, I finally decided it was time to talk with someone and try and understand me.
That was a very emotional month as I am a big crier I don't thnik I spoke more than a dozen or so words that first meeting between sobs. I soon found myself sharing more and more and looking forward to visiting with my therapist as a free time to be Jaclyn with her. This was so nice but I wanted more since I guess I am a greedy person.
I decided that it was time to stop all the hiding and come out to my wife finally and accept who I am. I have never, ever, ever been so frightened in all my life and really didn't think I could do this as I had tried so many times. But I felt the need to be Jaclyn obsessing my thoughts, my dreams, my wishes and the guilt and shame of hiding away from her was too overbearing. So after a dozen or so re-writes, I did it and came clean finally. Probably looking back a big mistake but I couldn't wait much longer.
Of course that bombshell was disasterous and almost landed me alone. Those few months this summer were so, so hard and dark as I tried to talk though her what I needed. Were these feelings due my childhood and/or lack of self-confidence and not genuine were some the questions I was not able to return. Or at least didn't want to and still want to avoid as I watched my world start to crumble around me.
As part of the reconcilation, I gave up Barbara then and tried someone new that I immeadiately hated. I tried to stop cold turkey but to no avail those feelings came back and ashmaedly I enjoyed so much letting Jaclyn have a fun shopping trip on the side. But the shame and guilt seemed to return tenfold now and I felt as low as ever before and won't go into some of my thoughts.
Hoping to start a new chapter, I purged once again and immeadiately felt that was a huge mistake. Soon afterwards I found myself up on the roof at work just wondering about things and my crying spells seem to have returned again.
So I decided to try someone new, someone that I am trying to trust although that is a very hard thing for me to do. I feel at least I can relate to a female counselor so much better even if I think I throughly confuse her many times over. I've started to build up the wardrobe again slowly, and I feel the need to be Jaclyn returning again more and more frequently and taking up so many of my thoughts. I long to dress up, I long to go out and I long to hug another sister and feel the acceptance and love of others without judgement. I see the online advertisement for the chicago area Christmas party and so very much wish I could attend, I sort of feel like Cinderella watching others going to the ball but I don't have a mean stepmother but just myself holding me back. Above all, I just want to be - happy, not standing out and not feeling like I left some many people down - and I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
So what will next year bring? I have made resolutions before and promises to myself that I haven't kept so I will not go down that path since I honestly don't know which one I am on. I love my wife and my daughter as family is the most important thing in the world to me, but Jaclyn does seem to ever want to stay away any longer. I fantasize about the same things other transwomen in my shoes have thought about - HRT, cosmetic surgery, electrolysis and perhaps someday being full-time and preparting for SRS. I don't feel like I have anywhere safe to go so I will continue to blog here as my sole outlet and for its theupatic benefits for myself.
Lastly, I am hoping that in 2014, I will feel to love myself for who I am. I've made that statement so often in the past and need so much courage to make it more that just empty words. I know I should feel fortunate for all that I have, so I am going to try and take the little things as the come and celebrate them.
So I am hoping for a better new year. Wishing a very happy holidays and solistice, and sending out a warm hug out there.