Its been awhile since my last post as I have been staying away from social media due to how depressing it has been. It feels like as a country we are getting more and more divided and too many people are living with fear rather than love. It just saddens me when a collective group becomes so partisan and rules with a us/them mentality. I hope things will start to settle down and the majority of us who choose peace and love rather than fear and hate start to become more apparent again.
For me, I have been up and down so far this year. This friday marks my three month anniversary since starting HRT and I should be making some measurements to assess the physical changes. I don't expect that much in those terms but I am interested in assessing those mental changes more. Subconsciously I think I am feeling better about myself even though there are days where I feel like I am trapped somewhere in between genders and destined to remain there. I have stopped the cutting and think about suicide less, but those thoughts still creep in from time to time. I have taken some smaller steps towards eventually transitioning like checking my employers policy, doing a bra fitting, completing my first face clearing, but it still seems like an event to go out as Jaclyn rather than something everyday, I had a clinic appointment to check my levels cancelled by the dr. which really bummed me out since it will take another 5 weeks for me to get back on the schedule. The lack of health care providers and knowledgeable transgender professionals is boggling - there seems to be a large need out in the community and the mental health profession does not seem like it is a need to address it. I worry with the current mood in the country if this is going to get more and more an issue to find help. At least I feel fortunate that I can find some help nearby even if I have to wait for the limited resources.
So as we turn the calendar on February, it helps me to plan some more little steps to keep moving ahead. I have my next face clearing scheduled for this month and I am going to need to do some spring shopping as that will be here soon. I'm thinking of taking a pampering day to get a facial and mani/pedi before going out to the mall but that will depend on the schedule. For support, I'm thinking about trying to find a nearby support group even though I have the illogical fear of these situations. I think that will help me push myself a bit and each little step may eventually lead to one big stride.
Wishing everyone some good luck and peace with the new Chinese year that just began. Hugs.