When I started this blog a few years ago, I did so because I felt like I needed someplace where I didn't need to hide or pretend to be something else. More importantly, this blog would be a place that I could be honest and reflective about what I really felt was going on inside of me at that particular moment. Today I think about this and realize that I need this blog more than ever.
This week I have been struggling so much to understand the truth. I don't mean this externally in the way every other headline seems to be shouting at others as being fake taking their cue from our supposed leaders, but in the sense that I have trouble with my own internal truth.
Each day I feel like I am constantly lying so much I have completely lost track of the truth, From the moment I feel I get up and first look in the mirror with disdain, to the parts of the day when I am pretending that I am fine, and continuing to when I am laying in bed awake and lost in my head I feel like I am lying. When I finally feel brave enough to talk and share something real with me, I still find myself unable to speak the truth or live it. My life it feels is like one big lie and as I sit now and try to dissect it for the umpteenth time I realize that I don't have a clue what my truth is.
I wonder that besides feeling that I am transgender that the fact that I have no idea of my individual truth makes me unique or gives me greater commonality with the community. Is this part of the transgender experience to realize that you think you are currently living a lie and need to change, or is this proof that I am not committed enough to be anything else than a delusional pretender?
My therapist said this week the new chic thing is to say that you are transgender. This statement upset me at first and later threw more doubt over my clouded thoughts.
I need to know my own truth, but I have no idea how to find this anymore. It just feels like the only truth I do know is how emotionally tiring all this lying really is.