I've been fighting my dysphoria, my self-confidence, myself and everything lately as I seem to have slipped back into a funk. The suicidal thoughts and self-cutting has started up once more which is questioning me what I am really doing. While tomorrow marks week 15 since I started HRT, I sometimes think I should stop as I feel I have no plan or really any idea what I am doing. I feel like more I think the more stress I get and then the stress-eating takes over. I felt disgusted when I last weighed myself and worry that things are going to keep getting worse there.
Today was my second full facial laser clearing and I guess I had some time to stop and think while the strobe lights were hopefully removing some of the nasty facial growth. I guess what I was concentrating on at first was how I was changing myself to be feminine but lately I've been thinking more that I am changing myself to be less masculing instead. I know that statement probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't questioned their gender, but somehow I feel like I am forging something in-between the two. I question whether I can like this place and be able to function in the world as something other than one of the two and this frankly scares me very much. For someone who spent most of their time up to now resenting my own appearance, the thought of appreciating myself is really a tough pill that is so much easier said than in practice.
So that is where I guess I am standing at today, I am lost in consideration that if I stop I will be a failure and if I continue I will not be a success. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!