Thursday, February 16, 2017

stuck in the middle

Hello blog,

I've been fighting my dysphoria, my self-confidence, myself and everything lately as I seem to have slipped back into a funk.  The suicidal thoughts and self-cutting has started up once more which is questioning me what I am really doing.  While tomorrow marks week 15 since I started HRT, I sometimes think I should stop as I feel I have no plan or really any idea what I am doing. I feel like more I think the more stress I get and then the stress-eating takes over. I felt disgusted when I last weighed myself and worry that things are going to keep getting worse there.

Today was my second full facial laser clearing and I guess I had some time to stop and think while the strobe lights were hopefully removing some of the nasty facial growth.   I guess what I was concentrating on at first was how I was changing myself to be feminine but lately I've been thinking more that I am changing myself to be less masculing instead.  I know that statement probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't questioned their gender, but somehow I feel like I am forging something in-between the two.  I question whether I can like this place and be able to function in the world as something other than one of the two and this frankly scares me very much.  For someone who spent most of their time up to now resenting my own appearance, the thought of appreciating myself is really a tough pill that is so much easier said than in practice.

So that is where I guess I am standing at today, I am lost in consideration that if I stop I will be a failure and if I continue I will not be a success.  I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!


1 comment:

  1. So what you have been attempting to address is that ultimate question: "Who am I?"
    What makes this so difficult for you, as well as everyone else faced with your level of gender dysphoria, ia the fact that you are not alone in this world. You have family which you love and be would (is?) seriously impacted.
    I'm addition you have a lifetime of history and self awareness as a man.
    I understand your desperate confusion. I understand your frustration at the complete and total lack of useful and actual knowledge based solutions and says of confronting your issues which are neither politically motivated or useless platitudes.
    So...My thoughts.
    First, you must understand, clearly and unequivically, who you are. Then you need to clearly understand just what that entails. You seem to believe you are trans...neither male not female, yet deep down you seem to be basically uncomfortable with that definition.
    You also seem uncomfortable with that entails. This, it seems to me, is what you need to intimately explore. Then, and only then, you need to start working on a plan on how you will reconcile your current state in life with how/where you want to be.
    No easy task. Good luck.