As I start to pick up the pieces from my last crash and burn, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and self-learning along the way.
One of the things I have been reflecting lately is around self identity and trying to reconcile my femme persona (Jaclyn) with my masculine persona (John). Talk about a true mind-bender here.
Probably up to the last week my thought was for one to survive, the other one must perish. Now after a couple of deep thoughts I have come to realize how simplistic and incorrect that statement really is.
As I spend the days right now presenting and functioning as John, I realize that often many parts of my personality or behaviors really are coming from my Jaclyn perspective. I often feel encouraged by these thoughts and actions as I feel more engaging, open and in touch with my emotional side when I let my Jaclyn side out.
Conversely if this is true, then if there is a day I function and present as Jaclyn, I will still have my John side as part of me. But that does not need to be bad as it will include all my prior experiences and I can try to work on letting the desirable John traits in and the undesirable ones go.
Thus in reality I feel like I am sorta like the ice cream swirl of personality and perhaps think of myself with a gender neutral name like Jackie to remind me of both parts. Of course, adding more names will seem to confuse things but then again what is really simple and straightforward in a gender questioning world?
So I think I am going to take this little piece of perspective today and move further towards my quest of understanding and accepting the true me. I have found a nearby support group with others that prize the gift of multiple gender identity and think that will be a big step to attend and connect with others.
If there is anything this past month and half has taught me, is that I cannot do this myself and I do need help in this world. I am going to reach out to try and understand all parts of me and to chose to take the positive parts and nuture these regardless of what identity I finally present. I hope that someday this will become more clearer for me as I keep taking those small steps towards the goal of self acceptance. For today, I am going to realize that being in touch with multiple sides of me is really a gift that makes me special for whom I really am.