It feels like its been a tumultuous few weeks for me personally and I wonder if it is dealing with the tough of gender of dysphoria or if it is me finally saying enough and giving in to my true inner self.
You know I spend so many hours researching, reading blogs, watching you tube videos and searching trans material and wonder why I do this or why I am so obsessed with it. Just today I was frantically searching for the quick and easy click here and take this test to tell if you are trans and should transition even though I know such a thing would be completely foolish and inaccurate.
Truth to be told I know why I was searching for it. I so want something to tell me definitely that I am trans and that I should transition. I want something to tell me that I should live my life as a female and that all my wishing that I was born that way is for a purpose. I want somebody to tell me to transition and that things will all work out.
I want this validation and happy fairy book ending.
Unfortunately life is not like this and each day I wake thinking I'm a failure and a fraud and completely pathetic by not doing anything. It hurts so bad so deep inside that I hide away and feel so distant from reality. I don't know how in words to explain this pain and wanting to someone non-trans but I really want to. I used to feel so close to the edge of of being between two worlds, but now I feel that I am slipping down into needing to transition and no matter how furious I fight it, I can't get back to that middle ground.
I literally feel like I am ripping apart trying to maintain what the world wants from me and I worry I cannot hold up much longer. I guess I want some validation that I am not a failure, some validation that I am not crazy, some validation that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life, some validation that things will get better.
If only there was a simple test for that. I just wish.