Friday, September 30, 2016

Why am I looking for validation?

Hello blog,

It feels like its been a tumultuous few weeks for me personally and I wonder if it is dealing with the tough of gender of dysphoria or if it is me finally saying enough and giving in to my true inner self.

You know I spend so many hours researching, reading blogs, watching you tube videos and searching trans material and wonder why I do this or why I am so obsessed with it.  Just today I was frantically searching for the quick and easy click here and take this test to tell if you are trans and should transition even though I know such a thing would be completely foolish and inaccurate.

Truth to be told I know why I was searching for it.  I so want something to tell me definitely that I am trans and that I should transition. I want something to tell me that I should live my life as a female and that all my wishing that I was born that way is for a purpose.  I want somebody to tell me to transition and that things will all work out.

I want this validation and happy fairy book ending.

Unfortunately life is not like this and each day I wake thinking I'm a failure and a fraud and completely pathetic by not doing anything.  It hurts so bad so deep inside that I hide away and feel so distant from reality. I don't know how in words to explain this pain and wanting to someone non-trans but I really want to.  I used to feel so close to the edge of of being between two worlds, but now I feel that I am slipping down into needing to transition and no matter how furious I fight it, I can't get back to that middle ground.

I literally feel like I am ripping apart trying to maintain what the world wants from me and I worry I cannot hold up much longer.  I guess I want some validation that I am not a failure, some validation that I am not crazy, some validation that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life, some validation that things will get better.

If only there was a simple test for that.  I just wish.

7 comments:

  1. No simple test I'm afraid, but I certainly recognise the description you have given!

    I'm not sure I can give you a reasonable answer though... When I got to the point of panic attacks I ended up (through my doctor, and then the gender clinic in Amsterdam) with an amazing therapist who helped me work it through. It still took a year or so, and the whole time he was advising me too be patient and not do anything rash whilst I was still thinking. Certainly no pushing etc. And all of that time I was thinking that it was impossible for me to transition.

    Only when I had figured it out for myself did he actually start helping and preparing for transition rather than helping me figure out what I needed (note: not what I though and said I wanted).

    I had amazing support from my partner, my parents, my in-laws and my colleagues / friends. That is something that I never expected and certainly never took for granted.

    I hope that you can find someone add experienced in gender issues as I had, I can't imagine doing this without someone like him!

    Good luck,
    Stace

    ReplyDelete
  2. Repeat after me: "I am not a fraud. I am doing the best I can." <3

    For what it's worth, there are many paths for trans people, be they occasional dabblers, part timers or full time folk.

    AFAIK, there isn't a test, and I think you go as far as you need to, to be yourself. Tread carefully and please look after yourself.

    Lynn

    ReplyDelete
  3. I completely understand. It's not easy, none of it is. Who you are is partially defined over the years by how people perceive you. It isn't all that you are, you are a human being, you have layers. Look into the mirror, are you happy with the person who stares back at you? No one can tell you to transition or how you feel but you. We have all been in that middle ground. It's kind of nice there, you get to not worry so much about passing and just feel feminine in your head. You don't worry about surgery or how to pay for it. The middle ground is where you still have that idea that this is all something you can stop if you want. But the middle ground is just a pause, a stop along the way. It's not a destination. I know that you will find the right path to take. No one is going to live your life for you, you have to live it your way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I completely understand. It's not easy, none of it is. Who you are is partially defined over the years by how people perceive you. It isn't all that you are, you are a human being, you have layers. Look into the mirror, are you happy with the person who stares back at you? No one can tell you to transition or how you feel but you. We have all been in that middle ground. It's kind of nice there, you get to not worry so much about passing and just feel feminine in your head. You don't worry about surgery or how to pay for it. The middle ground is where you still have that idea that this is all something you can stop if you want. But the middle ground is just a pause, a stop along the way. It's not a destination. I know that you will find the right path to take. No one is going to live your life for you, you have to live it your way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You're not a failure, nor are you crazy. As for whether things will get better or you'll be happier than you are now, I don't think anyone else can tell you (though they might help you discover it for yourself).
    I don't think tests, even those as comprehensive as the MMPI, tell you anything you don't already know, but sometimes they can act as a mirror. Beware of unvalidated online 'tests' though. They are probably as dangerous as they are useless.
    Whatever happens, however you eventually decide, I wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you everyone for all the support and advice, I don't know how to express how much I appreciate it when I feel at such a vulnerable point here. I know that I need to be patient and let things work out but it feels like my head is swimming in emotions and thoughts. It does feel so good to know that I am not the only one that has felt this way, and I know while everyone is unique that it feels good to have some things in common. I wish I could send you all a virtual hug of gratitude.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your reality is clearly your reality. However consider the idea that potentially compromise really means optimization. You trying to optimize your life as are all of us. Myself I've been married 34 years, for kids, all grown, and now my wife and I of 34 years are going through essentially our second honeymoon. I get to be a girl at home and a man outside the home at work. I have to provide for my family. So is it compromise or is it optimization? I guess it's all up to each of us to find our own path.

    ReplyDelete