Monday, September 14, 2015

Cycling again

Good morning blog,

I feel alone and confused today as I am having trouble focusing on much this morning outside of my gender issues.  I have been feeling like this most days recently as if my brain is stuck in some never-ending loop and I seem to forget some of the most simple things because of my lack of concentration.

Yesterday when I went for a walk to try and cope with this, I ended up finding myself routing past the local goodwill store and exiting there with a new pair of shoes and shirt.  Later when I was alone I had to try them on and I felt like an ashamed alcoholic sneaking a drink while I sat and relaxed away in a distant corner of my home.  Still that relapse was not enough as I spent a long time awake last night just thinking how good it would feel to wake up and be able to join society as a woman and then fret about how that will never happen.  And so goes the endless cycle that seems to curse my waking and non-waking thoughts each day.

Really if anything this morning I feel overwhelmed and confused in trying to understand what it all means.  I read almost anything I can around gender dsyphoria and hrt, and really question more and more what I am.  The clinical definition of 'unease with ones gender' seems to me like someone saying we aren't really sure exactly how to diagnose this so we are going to create some generic definition to let up to someone else to interpret.  Yeah, thanks again for nothing there.

So I read further and this time looked to blogs and books written by trans folks to try and get better insights.  This was much more informative as there were several personal accounts that I could relate to such as 'feel like I can only concentrate on gender issues', 'feeling like observing life and not really a part of things', 'hating and wishing not to have been born with one's genitals' and 'feeling the need to present as the non-biological gender even without understanding the reason that this is so important' that I agree with.  But then there are some statements for people that are not really dsyphoric but are cross-dressers that I get confused upon such as 'dress on occassion only' or 'do it for some sexual gratification'.  Well, I rarely get the chance to be Jaclyn in the real world and I will admit that I enjoy the attention of any men that I may receive as her.  I considered this as a part to understanding Jaclyn was to be open to all experiences as her including sexual ones so this brings more doubt to me.

Finally, I continue to spend hours reading material around Hrt and gender dsyphoria try to determine if this would be right for me.  In one place I saw that she determined that she was gender dysphoric when she started hormones as that cleared up alot of confusion she struggled with.  This trial by fire method seems a bit risky as what if it is right but when one starts they don't feel the reassurance right away or what if it seems right because one wants it to be.  Then I read stories about those who have gone forward and have regretted the decision later and write about how this is the last resort one should choose and how this should be considered in the background of cheerleaders and online supporters that seem to be proponents for transitioning.

So, really I am still here, and don't know what I'll do and scared as hell to do anything or to not do anything at all.  Its sad and depressing and makes me want to go and buy more shoes to forget about things.  I feel so screwed up in this world.


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