I feel like I am in the middle of a self-reflecting phase so I have lots of thoughts recently that may come out on the page like verbal diarrhea. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense beyond inside my head here.
I've been thinking about my trans questioning and my personal history of questioning. Or more specifically, my personal trauma with trans questioning.
I'm ashamed but more many years and still today I have what others have labeled transphobia for these thoughts. Meaning that I am scared to admit that I may be trans and then hate and shame fill me because of this. Most days when thinking of all of this I go back to the time when I tried to admit this to my life partner only to be told I was wrong in these thoughts, I was being filled with suggestions from my therapists and online sources, and how quickly they, my daughter, my family, work and everyone would leave me if I just didn't forget about this and move on. Since that was almost 11 years ago and I am still writing, I have not been able to forget about this and feel like moving on has been a struggle up and down ever since.
As much as I would like to say that I have grow wiser and/or made peace, I feel like I am still stuck in the trauma. I feel like I am still stuck in the transphobia and hate for myself for being me.
I continue to live a life in hiding, braving enough in safe virtual spaces or rare ventures out in stealth away from those who know my presenting self. I can't move past this trauma or self shame and have resorted to physical harm rather than any additional emotional stress.
I feel alone, scared, pathetic, little and don't know what to do or where to go from here.
In short, at this point in my life I feel defeated and all I have left is personal shame and transphobia. I don't want to live like this but also paralyzed to change. I can analyze this, write about it or even talk about it in a safe environment with a therapist but for 99.9% of my life I can't address it, won't address it and probably will be like this forever.
I am feeling so sad and lost today and wish I could just have a hug.
~Jaclyn
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ReplyDeleteA transgender person is their worst own enemy and I very much recognize this type of reflection in myself especially 15 years ago although the questioning never really stops. If the feelings have always been there they will never go away and our role is to remove the shame and guilt slowly over time knowing that much of that trepidation is sourced in messaging we receive starting in childhood. Be patient with yourself and work through the emotions with kindness for the self as your feelings are not trying to sabotage you. They are just part of who you are and the fact that you are working through the self doubt will eventually yield positive results as they did for me eventually
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