Good morning blog,
As I rambled on in my last musing, I have had alot of things in my head lately and I am going to try to spit them out virtually here as I continue to process. In my last musing, one of the big questions on my mind was getting to understand what I really am. Not just to have a label to be able to relate this for others, but more importantly to spend the time to be brutally honest with myself and understanding. I'm really unsure if this will point me into any direction as a result or what I hope to gain out of this, but I feel like right now this is the thing to do.
So I start this post with the first set of numerous thoughts/behaviors/actions that I have regarding myself. I count 14 or 15 of these but will probably change this as some are pretty similar. Since writing them all out at once would be very long and wordy, I am going to break these up into multiple posts so I can take a break at times from thinking and try to remain fresh. So self-judgement aside, here goes the first 3 items on my personal checklist to explore.
Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions
(1.) Amount of time contemplating gender definition.
I feel like a spend a lot of time contemplating my gender and often wonder if that is normal, weird and/or telling in any way. This is not just something recent as it has been on my mind it seems like most of my life. I can remember snippets of being young and trying to figure out why there was a boys team and a girls team and how I never seemed to feel comfortable in either. I know that I was told directly how to be a man and how I was supposed to act both physically and emotionally and often wondered why the world was defined this way (or probably since I was not able to naturally fit into one team I must be wrong deep inside). As I got older and this thing called the internet came into existence (I know that I am dating myself that most of my life was pre-world wide web), my questions and understanding about gender have greatly evolved in the past 15-20 years. I interpret gender nowadays as not being a binary female/male only state but rather that an individual exists in a more fluid / undefinable mix between these two which can vary from day to day, hour to hour. I think I prefer to call myself non-binary not because I want a third option but rather that I want a definition of neither male nor female because I don't feel I am either. Sort of like I am abstaining from answering this question although I know everyone from passports to drivers licenses to bathroom monitors in this world demand you to declare.
Anyways, my question around this point is not to try to answer my personal definition but more wondering why I spend so much time thinking about it. Is that normal? Do cis gender people who don't question their gender spend time thinking about this or is this a simple, easy truth like 'Duh, I'm a man' and there is no point in thinking further about that. The honest truth is that I often feel like my mind is seriously fucked up and that I spend as much time thinking about gender and then how it defines or not defines me. I don't know what that says about me but that is my contemplation point here.
(2.) Obsession with trans books, podcasts, blogs, etc.
Sort of coinciding with the amount of time I spend thinking about gender, I also wonder why I have at times been reading/listening/browsing trans related books, posts, podcasts, etc. I think probably around 15 years or so ago I googled my first transgender information sites online and was flooded by all this information that I never thought of or knew before. For anyone under 25, this probably doesn't make sense as that was always there for them. For me growing up, I never ever thought of going to a library to research anything around transgender and never saw anyone in person (or more correctly realized that I saw a real life trans person). My only knowledge of trans people were the stereotype freaks/weirdos portrayed in most movies and shows (Klinger on Mash as a punchline to get out of the service, the Rocky horror picture show as sexual fetish freaks not from this world or normalcy) and I feel ashamed at my ignorance.
After I started to research online, for me I started writing my personal blog here as I way to process and reflect. I also find myself obsessed at times with other people's blogs or podcasts, and scroll through the social pages like Facebook looking for other people that feel like me. I've read several books others have written about their transition and usually agree with some parts but also feel jealous or empty at the end that my story wouldn't have as nice a story. I write this blog and keep coming back to it even after taking long breaks for god knows what reason but to be in my small part in the community.
I don't really know what to make out of all of this - is it a fascination to a forbidden world or questioning or self-reflection or what not. I just know that I have spent too much time consuming trans information here and question if I am normal.
(3.) Transformative fantasies/wishes
My third observation today that makes me wonder if I am normal or what I am is around dreaming / wishing fantasies of waking up in a different body. Simply put, one of my long standing birthday wishes has been to blow out the candles and wake up in a genetic female body the next day. I think if someone had a magic pill, I would swallow it without hesitation but since that is so far-fetched I don't see the point in that exercise.
What I wonder is how normal is it for other people to have this fantasy. Do cis women ever dream what it would be like to wake up without breasts, a mustache and jeans looser in the crouch (and with usable pockets). Do normal men wonder how it would feel to have flowing hair, smooth skin and female sexual characteristics? I don't know why I have had and continue to have from time to time these fantasies about my body magically changing as it seems so ludicrous to write about it and makes me feel ashamed at something so crazy.
I think I am going to stop here today after these rambling points as I feel like this is only the tip of chasing the white rabbit down the mysterious rabbit hole that are my thoughts here. I will be back shortly to continue these as I have many more questions and even less answers than these. I still feel as far away from determining anything as I did yesterday, last week, last year etc. and hope that this will at least help me in some small way.
Until the next time, hugs. ~Jaclyn
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