What am I (part 4: items 11-14)

 

Hello blog, 

I'm hoping that today's post will wrap up a fairly prolific week in which I have been spending alot of time processing many thoughts and ideas in my self-questioning evaluation.   After today I will be taking a little break to step back and view this picture all together and decide what it is telling me.  

Right now I am so close that all I can see is the blurriness of tiny little color dots instead of a the overall masterpiece that makes up a picture.  

In my past posts I have mused about my how my thoughts & behaviors towards gender questioning, obsessions with appearance and gender expressions, sexual and physical thoughts and actions may reveal some understanding of what I am.  When considering this big question, I also need to examine other mental behaviors that may be a reaction to how I view myself.

In particular, I know that I have a hard time over-thinking about things and also dwelling and feeling regret.  In part this has led to deep depressive states and I do not think I will ever have a period of my life when suicide is not at least a passing thought.  It is just the core makeup of my mental state here and perhaps telling in way like how I spend so much time hating my physical body or obsess over my thoughts and wishes.   I will warn if you are like me, suicide discussion can be triggering and will advise to avoid if that is your case as well.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(11.)   Analysis paralysis - hand-wringing and perseverating but not doing anything

If there ever is a major decision in life that I make a sudden, definitive decision then that will be the first and perhaps anyone who knows me will really question my sanity.  Overthinking and perseverating are pretty much the standard that I do for anything.

Case in point, posting number five on questioning how to label myself with more to come.  

I don't know why I get stuck at this point and often wonder if that is because I am not asking the correct questions or that what I think is correct is not the true answer.   I think when I come down to understanding if I am trans or if this is just something I really am not but pretend to want to be, not being able to definitively answer/determine anything feels like a sign to me.  I don't want to make a life changing decision and get buyers remorse right after making this, but not being able to decide either way is even a worse fate.

Is my indecisiveness a telling sign that I am looking for something that really isn't there?  

(12.) Stop / Purging - why do I wan and wax

Besides being stuck in the middle of deciding anything, I also wonder if the fact that my obsessions with gender have waxed/waned in different times in my life.

For a good period of time from my late 20s to mid 30s, most of these thoughts seemed to be absent. If I was really trans, could this be true or is this a sign that I am something else. I mean, if I could really stop at one point, doesn't that mean it is not really my nature.

I have purged my wardrobe along with my thoughts but those periods seem to have shorter rebound timelines.  But I was able to do it at one time so I should not really be trans or wouldn't I not have been able to do it in the first place.  Of course, the opposite is that I end up repurchasing later so is that a sign to the contrary.

I feel so turned around and confused and again that imposter syndrome makes me feel like I shouldn't have this if I was trans.   Or do normal people also experience similar thinking and shame about things then return to them. 

(13.) Depression / denial cycle

After all this perseverating and purging, this always seems to lead me back to depression.  I know the cycle may be I think about a new look, obsess over pictures and search for the ultimate outfit, go out and try it on and come home with it, feel good for a fleeting moment then feel the shame rolling in like the evening fog, finally to hid/deny/purge/hate and feel depressed.

It is a very exhausting cycle that I know when its coming but can't get off of it.   I spend multiple hours of awake most nights and throughout the days with this shame, self-hate and what would be clinical depression.

Anti-depressants and fancy therapy haven't helped as I am always trapped with me.  I can't even dream of life ever getting better and this exercise of trying to define myself has started the cycle spinning again in my broken brain.

If I was trans, wouldn't thinking about these things cure my depression or at least stop the cycle.  Again, I know I have flawed logic but I also don't think I can just ignore the years of depression and low self-worth.

(14.) Suicide

Finally, the last point to consider is my constant thoughts of suicide.  This act is constantly on my mind and each day I deal with idealizations of this constantly.

I have submitted that one day this will be my fate, not a matter of if but rather a matter of when.  I have multiple methods, plans, final notes to leave, etc. and feel that I am prepared for this anytime.  I know I have no value for my life as I don't see much redeeming, but also know that I have some hard-wired safety switch that has been holding me back for the most part so far (besides the two half-assed attempts).    Whatever the reason, I guess I am still here and writing this due to some hope that while I cynically feel is unobtainable I also cling to as a last resort.  

Whatever it means, the only thing in my life that rivals my constant questions about gender is my constant thought of my death.  I cannot explain what I get out of closing my eyes while crossing a busy street or holding a bag over my head or looking at a bottle of pills and imagining what I may do.  I must be broken or sick but I will probably do something to simulate or pretend suicide before the end of the day and still go on to do it again the next one.   

This topic may seem so far off in questioning one's gender or label, but again I am wondering if this a sign that I really am one thing or a fraud and failure or what I am.

Well, that is the end for now of me trying to enumerate the thoughts/behaviors/feelings that make me wonder what my label is and calls for a long pause to reflect.  Clarity like optimism is something I do not possess and this exercise is like stirring up the water in a pond with the mud from the bottom.

I am going to sign off for now, and hope that this weekend leads to clear skies and I can experience the solar eclipse headed nearby.  I will at least return to revisit and talk about how I try to tie all my random thoughts here together soon.

Until then, hugs ~ Jaclyn