Labeling

 Good morning blog,

I've been feeling the urge to write again lately as part of my self-discovery so I wanted to leave a few words here today.   Recently upon reaching a really low point, I've decided to give things a try again at rediscovery and trying to figure sh#t out.  Specifically, I feel today that I need to take some time and been truly honest with myself and understand what I am.

I've started up with a new therapist with gender experience and hope that I will be able to trust and make some progress here.  In order to do so, I feel like I have to work with her to find a honest and true label for myself.

In the past, I have despised the idea of labeling and look at all the negative impacts that has.  I guess when I hate that the world is gender binary, I feel like for those of us that don't feel like we are in either of the 2 boxes that society wants to create a label to put us in a tidy little third box and tuck us away from view.  I also feel that if you have a label like transgender or cross-dresser or whatever then expectations of what you are and what you should do soon come with that.  

I don't think I have any idea of what I should do or what I should be for people's expectations which is the main reason I have been fighting labels.

But part of my struggle and zig-zagging journey is due to not being able to look at things another way so I am going to take the time to do that now.  I started by thinking that having a label would be helpful in describing my feelings and thoughts when trying to connect with my new therapist.  Hoping that she would say something like 'hey you seem to be a classic xyz type person, so you should do this'.

Really wouldn't that be so fucking nice.

But in reality, I know that is about as far-fetched as my fantasy of blowing out my next birthday candles and then waking up as a beautiful cis-gender woman. 

What I really think (and so very hope for!) is that going through this labeling exercise will help me because of the process and not of the outcome.  I feel because of my past experiences, I have really gone further underground and further hidden due to the pain from trying to come out before.  Yes, I'm ashamed of how I have reacted and want to come clean and honest with myself.  I've felt so lost in who I am and what I want and need something to shine a light on point me out. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm unconfident that I will get anywhere besides flailing in the dark again but this seems like something to try. 

This all probably sounds comical or ridiculous to most people and I know the common reaction would be to hit me over the head and say hey dummy, its so obvious that what you are.   I dunno, I guess I feel like a dummy that needs to do this anyway.   I started today and listed out around a dozen different thoughts and behaviors that I thought cold give some clue to me on what I am this morning, and the next step will be for me to address and be honest to myself about each of these.  That will probably lead to alot of writing over the next period here and I hope I can feel brave enough to share.

Until then, I am going to continue in my confused, hidden and lonely little world here.  ~ Jaclyn