What am I (part 2: items 4-6)

 Hello Blog - 

Continuing my previous threads here, I wanted to keep up momentum and try to get as much down in writing before hitting any blocks or depression states. 

One personal lifetime goal that I am coming up is experiencing a total solar eclipse live.  Given that this may be the last total one in the US for a long time, I have been making plans to travel to the path next Monday afternoon to hopefully be part of this event.    As I am crossing my fingers for clear skies to view the upcoming solar eclipse next week, I feel a bit reflective on other lifetime goals and experiences.  

Exploring and trying to understand myself in some ways has been at least another experience that has been exclusive to me as well.   I guess that in some ways is why I feel the need to keep listing and thinking about these things and use this blog to 'get them out' of my wee head here. 

I appreciate anyone that may stumble across these words and understand how perplexing I may seem.  At a minimum, I use this blog for me and can only imagine how this may all read some time down the road.  For today though, I keep crossing my fingers that this process will clear my own personal skies and hope that I can see clearly from it.   

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(4.) Feelings of my appearance presenting as another gender.

Something that has confused me in my life is my relationship to appearance in either gender.   Growing up as a boy, I was always curious with appearance and clothes that girls got to wear which I was forbidden from.  I tried my mom's clothes and makeup on in secret and hid away my shame for many years when sneaking anything feminine on.  Later on in life, I started in the obsessing/buying/purging cycles of clothes in secret and seriously started with trying on wigs, makeup and other tools to change my look.  Soon trying to match outfits and accessories together with cute shoes would become a hidden passion. 

Probably the point that I most remember most vividly is the first time I let myself free and got a professional makeover and photo shoot (hint - image on the blog page here). When I first stepped in front of a mirror and took my whole appearance in that flooding feeling of joy was so unexpected and overcoming.  I can't really put that feeling into words but the rush of that moment still comes back to me at times here.

Since that point, I have continued to go back and forth with appearance.  I seem to pick something to obsess on for awhile (finding a cute pair of boots, a nice casual jeans/blouse combo, a flirty and fun sun dress, etc.) and then put everything away hidden for awhile.  

I still feel much shame and shallowness that I seem to focus on my appearance as I know there are much more important things than clothes to define a person. I wonder if this is some type of kink or fetish since sometimes I can feel sexy and sometimes I can just feel relaxed in other clothes. Sometimes I want to build up my wardrobe and sometimes I want to throw things out and move on.  I guess I don't know what to make out of this.  

(5.)  Internal image disgust / obsession with hair

As opposite with obsessing over presenting in a different gender is my internal disgust and self-hate I have with my "natural" image. 

I am not sure if I am sick or insecure but I really hate, hate, hate, hate, hate looking at myself and struggle so bad at pretending that I am fine with myself.  I can't look at a mirror, photos of me make cringe inside and really there is not one solitary part of my body that I like.

This may be called body dysmorphia or other fancy terms but it feels like a shameful sickness of mine.  We tell children to love the person inside and not the outside but I fall down with this all the time.  I feel silly, shallow, weak, and/or hypocritical as I go through life pretending that I am happy with myself an how I look doesn't matter.  I've heard fake it until you make it but I have trouble believing that making it is ever possible for me.  Just thinking of my image while writing here makes me feel uncomfortable and wonder why I can't let this just go.

To take this dumpster fire and toss on gallons of gasoline would be for me to express my feelings towards hair.

Male body hair is even more loathsome that the disgust I feel for my body overall.  If you are cis female or have very light/no body hair I cannot explain to you how cat-shit vomit my body feels when I look at the disgusting follicles.  I can get stuck in cycles where I obsess over patches of hair on my chest, my legs, hands, underarms, face, wherever and wish I could get over it.  I've even splurged on rare ocurances on waxing treatments that felt so heavenly blissful when done but then I feel the shame and weakness in needing to have done this later.

The one spot I wish I had more hair is antagonizing the part of me that is lacking which is on top of this chrome dome of stupidity.  I think the one moment that changed me more than anything else was trying on my first female wig.  OMG was that fucking incredible to feel like I had hair. Even though I feel like I have no idea how to style or fashion, just putting on a wig is the one thing that makes me feel like I go from one person to Jaclyn and lifts me up so very much.    I will often just wear my wig with the rest of my male appearance just to get that feeling as it is so transformative.  Likewise, the one moment that feels soul-crushing is the moment that I have to take it off and tuck it back away in hiding.   The pain of putting away seems to hurt more each time that I now feel shy about even getting my wig out because I think of the moment I need to put it away.

I'm not sure what to make with all my body insecurity and hair obsession and what it all means.  I feel like I am insecure or shallow that I can't get past this at times and this is inescapable as each day I have to wake up to my physical form and go on.  

(6.)  Feelings in social settings with other trans people.

Since I decided a dozen years or so ago to start venturing out in the world at times as Jaclyn, I have also had mixed feelings around other trans people.   In my first interactions, it felt really nice and validating to have found some other people that had similar thoughts and feelings.

As I continued to go out sporadically and in hidden as my significant other was opposed to this, some of these feelings have changed.  I guess while I look forward and want to do this, I also feel really insecure and like a fraud around them.  Especially when I hear others who go out or live authentically fulltime, I feel sheepish and shameful that I know I will be going home to hide away for a long time after that night. 

During and post Covid here, I tried a few zoom support groups and still have that imposter feeling around others.  I guess the way I would describe this is that I feel like I don't deserve or have earned the right to be around them.  I know that I am not passable or whatever that means and that just seems to pile on my insecurities.  

I guess I feel if I was really trans then I would not feel so uncomfortable but I also feel so lonely and alone and want to be part of a group.  I don't know if this is a sign of anything or just my issues.

Well, these issues are pretty heavy and weighing on me here.  I was hoping that they would provide some clarity but I feel even more confused right now.  I will keep pushing myself forward here as I have many more points to consider but need to come back another day for that.  

I keep hoping for clearer vision and feel like I am muddling through the fog.  Until then, Hugs ~ Jaclyn