Continuing on my prior threads, I going to attempt to be honest about my thoughts towards physical aspects of my gender and sex. These items are some of the most intimate and most difficult for me to be honest and open about. This may not make sense and be confusing as I am not sure how or if sex and gender are tied together. I will caution that while I try to remain fairly PG, some ideas may be adult content in nature here.
Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions
(7.) Sexuality - exploring and openness
While I know that gender and sex are totally different things, there still is some intertwining between these two at least in my mind. At least in my case I have had different thoughts since starting to question my gender or at least some sexual repression I have been more open to explore since then. I'm really not sure but think these things may have a bearing on what I finally classify myself as.
For my sexuality like my gender, I don't think I have a straight hetero-/homo- sexuality camp that I fall into and it has been filled with questions. I am married and spent most of my presenting life as a vanilla plain straight male in public. I don't feel that it is a simple to say if my gender is female then I'm a lesbian because in honesty my desires seem to be more around a person or situation than towards a specific gender.
As Jaclyn, I have gone out and dated several men and like that experience. I am not sure if it is having the feeling that I am being desired as a woman that I like from this or if it is men I really want. When not dressed I think about sexual encounters with both sexes and even fantasy what it may be like with a woman as Jaclyn at times.
I feel like I want to explore more of this and really the biggest thing I like is that expressing myself as Jaclyn seems to open me up to sexual experiences. I don't know if this attitude here really has anything to do with me understanding my gender but rather more to do with not being so repressive in sex.
(8.) Physical sex - wanting to switch from what I have to what I have not
Besides the confusion of sexual attraction, I also feel conflicted by the physical aspects that I am not sure has anything to do with gender.
To carry on the body self-hate, my sexual genitalia is really a huge part of disgust with me. I hate looking at it, feeling it, having it and dreamed of how wonderful having things removed may feel. When I do engage in sex with my partner, I find myself more often than not wishing that our roles and equipment were reversed and feel shameful for concentrating on that rather than the physical connection.
I have days when the bits and tackle bother me so much I need to tuck and wear a gaff even under boy clothes to imagine it gone. I have imagined surgery and breast augmentation not only for the appearance but to be able to look at my naked body without any fake pads or anything and see another gender.
I often wonder if other men think of such things or how they feel about their junk. I hate that machismo locker room talk about how big things are and pretending that your god status is determined by how often and how good you use or at least can brag about using it.
Really for me, sex is a vulnerable thing to be naked and intimate with someone and make them feel good brings me pleasure. I want to feel open, desired, fantasized about and free from feelings of self-disgust in terms intimacy.
I don't think this ties to my gender as I think these things are not equipment specific. I dunno.
(8.) Other plastic surgery dreams
Beside dreaming about surgeries to primary and secondary sexual characteristics, I also spend time researching and looking at pre-/post-surgical treatments for other characteristics.
Facial surgery and reshaping is something even larger in my mind than any boob or custom vagina job. When I think about contouring or filling in other things, I often wonder if this is not about trying to look more female but due to my inability to not feel comfortable in my unaltered state.
I feel like these changes will not really change how I feel but rather make me feel more plastic without addressing the true ugliness underneath. Nonetheless, I still seem to spend time on social media seeing post FFS pictures and dreaming of that reality. It makes me feel shallow and shameful and again not sure what this all means.
(9.) Vocal disgust - why can't I stand my voice?
I have spent many hours studying female mannerisms and how to walk, gesture, etc. But still there is one thing that bothers me even in dark places where appearances cannot be seen.
This is my voice. Or in other words, the voice I hear from my mouth back in my ears and makes me cringe.
I know again there are vocal trainings and surgeries to change this, but the point I am wondering is why I can't just accept and embrace the current one I have. While other aspects of puberty really really sucked (don't get me started on the body hair thing or the body growth shifts), but my voice changing was a horrible period in my life.
I remember being moved down in choir as my voice deepened which was a predecessor of me moving out of choir as I hated the new pitch. I still to this day hate so much that I can only sing along with male singers on the radio without straining or cracking my voice and find my singing to be so awful.
I know gender has nothing to do about being able to carry a tune, but for me it is another characteristic of my body that I have spent a really long time obsessing about.
(10.) HRT desire - contentment or placebo effect
I'll admit that there has been around 6 months of my life I tried prescription HRT and I like it. I don't know why I started spending a long time thinking about this and what I expected, but it seemed to be better medication than any anti-depressant that I have attempted.
There were some physical effects (soreness in the chest, decrease in male activity) but those were not what I liked about it. What I enjoyed the most was the mental aspect of them.
Being on HRT seemed to bring on an unexpected mental calmness, it is so hard to explain but it was like the relaxation of slipping into a warm bath tub or having some quite in the eternal buzzing in my mind. I don't remember many wild mood swings but more of a contentment feeling within and continued dependency for them stronger each day.
I have debated what these feelings really are often in my head here and wonder if they were really true or just a placebo effect after researching others that had taken HRT. I felt severe depression around the time after I forced myself to stop but not sure if the depression or stopping the hormones really came first.
I don't know if this was a physical reaction to my body from a supplement my brain had been craving or if again this was a reaction to my feelings of not being right.
I think looking back to review this post, I still lack clarity to understand everything together. In one hand, I feel like I have longing for physical changes, sexual desire and openness associated related to traditional roles of the opposite gender. On the other, I wonder if all these fantasies, thoughts, actions and behaviors were the result of oppressing or trying to not accepting my natural self and I am using feelings of the opposite gender to support these things. I wish there was a simple way to determine the truth here and I guess that is why I am going through all of this in the first path anyways.
I'm coming close to my last few items and will wrap up my initial list problem in my next post. Then will need more time to try to tie this all together and decide what it means.
Until then, hugs ~ Jaclyn
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