Not a good day

Hello blog,

Today is not a good day or a day where I am feeling any sense of hope.  I've felt like for most of today I have been swimming upstream against a relentless current and I have no energy left to fight it anymore.  I don't know if its the shame and anger with gender dysphoria or angst about another damn day without anything better that is doing me in at present.

I feel like years of therapy has only allowed me to recognize when my depression is coming back and I don't have any tools that work to stop it.  I hate my life so much right now.

I recently talked with someone who's advice was to think of a happy moment and then try to run towards that again.  Rightly or wrongly they told me that I need not to give up so easily when things get tough, and I need to have commitment and consistency in behaviors to change this.

I feel like an idiot because I can't make sense of what that means.  I know it means to find what makes you happy, then to continue relentlessly doing things to achieve it without being deterred.  What I mean is that I have no sense in what makes me happy or if that is a state I can achieve.

I can't recall a moment of free joy in my life and most things now are tinged with shame and regret.  It is getting to the point of hopelessness again that I have been spending alot of time thinking about suicide and just giving up.  I wrote a new batch of good-bye letters today and will probably rip them up tomorrow.

Today feels like a boulder fell out of the sky on top of me and I can't get up.  Today is not a good day.