Black hole sun

 Hello blog,

This past week has been eventful and really not sure how I am feeling about things completely right now.

As mentioned in my past reflections on trying to determine my identity, I got a chance a few days to witness the total solar eclipse as that experience had been something I had always wanted to do.  Sometimes when do something you always wanted happens it is sort of anti-climatic, I would say that experiencing the solar eclipse for me was anything but that.

I prepared and researched but the whole experience was so amazing beyond words.  Pictures and videos could not prepare me for the moment when the moon's shadow swept in from the southwest and blackened the sky in the middle of a bright sunny day.  It felt unworldly and emotionally and mixture of feelings wrapped up together.  I cheered, cried, was mesmerized and then despaired for the sun to return in a matter of a few short minutes.   The images and feelings are still burned in my memory and it is hard to not think about that.  Below is my amateur photographic attempt of the void we saw in the sky.

Of course being a depressed and broken person that I am, this got me thinking of the emptiness that I feel inside at times.  I got a reality check the following day when I found that sharing too much with my therapist made her feel unable or unsafe for us to continue together.  Being damaged goods means that less and less people feel able to help out and I don't blame them for that belief.  While I guess it is better sooner than to spend a long time together, it still felt like another failure for me when really I was so hoping that she could help me sort out the questions I described in my last posts.

Truth be told, it just sucks and really no one can help me but me. And I don't have a good track record of that so I'm unknowing what to do at this moment. Like the moon and sun in the eclipse, I feel like my life is lining up to complete darkness here.  I question if that will lift or if I will be stuck in blackness and despair is building internally here.  I may be being a drama queen again, but I can't see any way out and feel that hopelessness and feel like I am drawn towards it like a black hole.  

I have been crying alot here and suicidal thoughts keep coming back to me. I don't know why I am a mistake and often think the world could use me being out of it.   I wish I could be more hopeful but I think that I am not wired for that emotion.  I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up.