storm clouds

This morning I woke up very edgy and tired again, Id like to say it was because of the storms but I was up pondering things before several rounds of them came through overnight.

This afternoon my wife and I have an appointment with the male therapist together.  I didn't really care for him the last time but going to try and give him the benefit of doubt.  I'm guessing my wife will  probably like him and I'll be stuck with him.  Whatever, I can fake my way through anything as that is one thing I am good at.

I am slowing working back up the male facade again to satisfy my wife although it hurts not being able to dress freely.  My wife has put the clamps down on letting me alone so I have had next to zero chance to get anything out which feels like drowning sometimes.  Yesterday afternoon I was bugging so much that I stopped at the thrift store nearby and picked up a bracelet and two necklaces for cheap.  Just putting them on felt like relief and I could feel the calmness wash over me as I checked them out in the car mirror.  I drove around for a bit with them on to help ease some of the pressure. Of course I lied and didn't tell my wife about this as one slip up more probably will mean the end. I am not sure if I am subconciouslly trying to sabotage things anyway and decided to call Howard Brown yesterday to ask about hormones.  Their process seems very straightforward and not too difficult, I was tempted to schedule an appointment with them and really considering it. Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head?  I feel like I am so obsessed with these ideas that my functioning and logic are so impaired. I know that I will never pass as a woman but let the idea of just throwing everything away and going for it seems too powerful for me to ignore.

I feel so much that I am teetering on an edge and really need some help that I can't get enough courage to ask for.  I may break down and call Barb but I am ashamed at what she thinks about me and feel like she will be so annoyed.  I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I wish I knew...